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You are so Nashville if...Winners and Contenders

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Entries attributed to "UNKNOWN" were submitted without names

FIRST PLACE:Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. Jonathan Belcher

SECOND PLACE: You drunkenly tried to order a chicken taco from an unfortunate tourist in a Winnebago. Dan McNamara

THIRD PLACE: Your minister may be a felon, but you're just happy he's not gay. Bill Mason

HONORABLE MENTION:
You think the May Town Center is proof that Nashville has officially given up on Bellevue. Ilissa Gold

The editor of your weekly alternative paper doesn't get any of the YASNI entries. Angela Guillory

You thought the Nashville Pride Festival was happening at the Bicentennial Mall. Gerri Findley

Your church's community outreach program consists of confiscating copies of the Nashville Scene. Seth Hudson

Your state legislature is straight up batshit insane. Dan McNamara

You think ordering a "shooter" in a bar has a whole new meaning. Adam Dread

You think they should take some Windex to SkyCam. Lucas Leverett

You can't tell the difference between your Steeplechase and Bonnaroo pictures. Jason Hinson

You're cool with having a black president but not quite sure about a black guy on the cover of Nfocus' Steeplechase issue. Peter Dinkel

CONTENDERS
You waited for the Music City Star at Graham Central Station. Daniel Dunn

You think the Carnival Kia family is a cult looking for recruits. James Sperring

You're working on a rhyme for "Ahmadinejad." Jimmy McCollum

You know which one is the real Melrose. John Adams

The biggest percentage of your city's 911 call center budget is spent to discourage you from using it. Unknown

The only way your band gets press is when they play with JEFF. Unknown

You thought the "tea bag" party would be at Ménages, not in front of Capitol Hill. Bret Moran

You feel like Gail Kerr and Ms. Cheap are the last two contestants on Survivor: Tennessean. Clifton Kaiser

You know the Vols had a bad year, but serving time in a Nicaraguan prison seems a bit harsh. Daniel Dunn

You wish there were an iPhone app to figure how many Xanax you can safely mix with a growler of Yazoo. Jason Hinson

You're jealous that Memphis got to do Steve Jobs' liver transplant. Lucas Leverett

You paid for your library fines with a can of corn. Michele Totty

You go to the Wildhorse Saloon to see a band whose only remaining "original member" was their roadie. Mike Bodayle

You knew God would smite Murfreesboro for rejecting Bible Park USA. Roy Moore

Your minister is on his third divorce but preaches that gay marriage is a threat to family values. Unknown

Your "dream team" for the 2012 Republican ticket is Phil Valentine and Steve Gill. Adam Mayfield

You rode the full length of the Music City Star trying to figure out which stop the audition room was at. Adam Mayfield

Your church is having an indoor fireworks display. Adam Mayfield

The Country Music Half-Marathon was the first time you puked on Demonbreun without a $100 bar tab. Ashley Weiland

You wish a dead body would be found at CMA Fest to give your music festival more street cred. Ashley Weiland

You checked your credit card statement for six months after you heard about M. Tangredi's arrest. Ashley Weiland

Your "strongly worded reprimand" to an employee who sent a racist email from your office closes with the line, "I look forward to working with you in the future." Dan McNamara

You bought your house in The Nations but sold it five years later in Historic West Town. Jason Hinson

Pith in the Wind hates you. Jason Hinson

You forgot who your mayor was. Jason Hinson

You wish Fifth/Third would make up its mind. Jimmy McCollum

You live on Nolensville Road but just drove to The Gulch to eat Mexican food. Lindsay Bergstrom

You remember when the Nashville Scene's "You Are So Nashville If..." First Prize was $250. Mark Mott

You don't understand why those Giancarlo Guerrero Nashville Symphony ads don't tell you where his Mexican restaurant is. Mike Bodayle

Vince Gill sang at your funeral. Price Justice

You hate the Kia guy and his family. Randy Smith

You hire your teachers from the sexual predator list. Robin Coltin

Your street cred is so solid even your preacher is a killer. Teresa Mitchel

You're an Area 2 snob. Unknown

MNPS left your child behind on a school bus. Wando Weaver

You had somehow hoped that Davis Nolan would be easier to look at after the digital switch. Adam Mayfield

Your local taco stand has valet parking. Barbara Lamb

You go to The Hutton just to blow-dry your hands. Beverly Levine

You think that erecting statues of two Nobel Peace Prize winners on the Capitol grounds is a bad thing. Beverly Levine

Your personal space was invaded by John McCain during the Belmont presidential debate. Jason Hinson

Your favorite swimming hole is where the Summit Tower is supposed to go. Michael Williams

Your starting quarterback sings country songs while his backup is living one. Mike Dorr

You can name all of Jon and Kate's eight kids but none of your state legislators. Adam Dread

You think that Ms. Cheap ought to tip off her readers to save $0.75 a day and read The Tennessean online. Adam Dread

Your church has formed a "Monorail Feasibility Committee." Adam Mayfield

You've been on Alli for months and can't figure why you don't yet look like a drag queen. Adam Mayfield

Your pastor and his new boy toy met through your Facebook page. Adam Mayfield

The second thing you did while watching the Presidential Debate at Belmont was to cross your fingers that nobody in the audience would ask a question with an embarrassing Southern accent. Andy Brunson

You wish the people from East Nashville realized the rest of us just don't care. Ashley Weiland

You wonder why the rock quarry on Broadway is called The Summit. Ashley Weiland

You thought Bobby Brown was a more legitimate country singer than Jessica Simpson. Dan McNamara

You started picking up the Nashville Scene again only after The New York Times Crossword Puzzle was reinstated. David G.

Your state legislature makes your Metro Council look smart and reasonable. Ilissa Gold

You're anxiously awaiting a call back from your Gummo 2 audition. Jason Hinson

Jeff Fisher throwing your walker in a trash truck motivated you to eat heart-healthy. Jason Hinson

You saved The Belcourt but will only go to the Green Hills theater to see a movie. Jason Hinson

You can't get over how cool things used to be when you didn't even like those same things back then. John Adams

You know you've eaten tacos from the Mas Tacos truck, but you just can't quite remember what they tasted like, looked like or cost you. Larry Mell Morgan

You can park at Guitar Center for your annual mammogram appointment. Lori Viar

You rely on the Tennessee legislature for the best racist humor. Mark Mott

You issued an Amber Alert to try to find your quarterback. Michael Williams

Kent Williams would give a week's pay to see you naked. Michael Williams

You forget to tithe on your iTunes royalty check. Mike Bodayle

The Tangredis owe you money and tried to sue you. Peter Dinkel

You've ALWAYS wanted to return to your bluegrass roots, especially if T-Bone Burnett is available to produce. Randy Pitts

You were surprised Teddy Bart even knew how to use Craigslist. Roy Moore

You sold your house in Green Hills because East Nashville is a better neighborhood. Unknown

You're afraid to travel outside Davidson County with your Obama bumper sticker. Unknown

You take a $25,000 Gibson guitar and smash it on the racetrack. Unknown

You wish they would at least decorate the random interstate support at White Bridge and I-40. Unknown

Your church sanctuary has Wi-Fi. Unknown

Your children's museum and your strip club have the same light show. Unknown

All of your non-magnet high schools have been polarized. Wando Weaver

You actually believed that Mae used to show her beaver professionally. Wando Weaver

You show up to a gig at FooBar with your amp in a road case. Zachary Stred

You insist on sending your child to a preschool that is LEED certified. Adam Dread

You condone paying $10 for tableside guacamole as long as it's served to you in The Gulch. Andrew Cole

You can't distinguish between Urban Outfitters' clientele and actual homeless people. Andrew Cole

Your weekday daily newspaper doubles its thickness by virtue of being in a plastic bag. Clifton Kaiser

You love the hot dogs from I Dream of Weenie, but you're reluctant to buy the T-shirt. Dan McNamara

To prove you're not just a redneck country star, you branch out and buy a winery. Darren Long

You are on one of the 400 videotapes that were filmed in Louis Levine's shed. Gini Pupo-Walker

You left the Christmas tree lot at Hillsboro High School mad but still bought a tree. Greg Jones

You used to like Phil Bredesen. Ilissa Gold

You have watched a movie, read a book and bought a condo at the Belle Meade Theater. Jason Hinson

Your son's case was dismissed because Vic Lineweaver was at the Staples in Bellevue buying an industrial shredder. Jason Hinson

Your band is being bled dry by Sonicbids $5 at a time, and there's nothing...you...can do about it. Larry Mell Morgan

Boxes and boxes of your own indie CDs form the major decorative elements in your house. Linda Titolo

Google Maps Street View caught you mowing your yard in black socks and flip-flops. Louis LaPrad

You Ms. PacMan. Mary Sack

You think Whitesnake opening up for Judas Priest is a good combination. Michael Teppenpaw

Your DNA is offended. Michael Teppenpaw

You're moving out of a condo that you can't sell into a condo that you can't buy that its builder can't finish without a loan from a bank that won't finance it. Mike Dorr

You Twitter "Hallelujah!" during a sermon. Mike Dorr

You want to see Kyle Busch try his luck with Greer Stadium's guitar. Steve Dobbrastine

You think Nicole and Keith totally stole your next band's name for their kid. Thom Abell

You know that Mr. Happy works at the White Bridge Road Target store. Unknown

You voted for Obama because he likes Wilco. Unknown

The squirrels in Centennial Park scare you more than the coyotes in your backyard. Unknown

Your business is going under because Dave got everyone debt-free. Unknown

You were defriended for a Whopper. Wando Weaver

DAN MILLER

You took bereavement leave when Dan Miller died. Unknown

You still catch yourself hoping that Dan is really just gone on a long vacation. Adam Mayfield

You tear up every night watching Demetria on the Channel 4 News without Dan. Ali Worden

You miss Dan Miller. Barrett Wallan

You think that Dan Miller is playing a round of golf with Tim Russert even as we speak. Dave Weil

You watch videotaped reruns of Channel 4 news because you loved Dan Miller. Gerri Findley

You never met Dan Miller, but you felt compelled to attend his funeral, reasoning that, had you passed first, Dan surely would have shown up for your sendoff. Unknown

GUNS & ROSÉS

You'll have the option to use your own rifle while playing Buck Hunt in the bar. Wando Weaver

You order a Jack and Coke for your Smith & Wesson. Robin Coltin

You see nothing wrong with carrying a gun into a bar but believe that having wine for sale in the grocery store would lead to more drunken accidents. Ilissa Gold

You can't carry your gun into the Capitol to thank your legislators for letting you carry your gun everyplace else. James H. Williams

You don't want wine sold in Kroger but you want to bring your .22 into Chili's. Meredith Hunter

You carry a snake to church and a gun to a bar. Peter Dinkel

Your designated driver also carries the gun. Unknown

Your favorite restaurant parking lot has more guns exchange hands than the Gun Show at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds. Aaron Gallagher

You got more fired up about the wine debate than the presidential election. Aaron Gallagher

You can finally enjoy your rolls at O'Charley's now that you can have your gun at the table. Bill Mason

Carrying a gun in a restaurant makes you a man. Clifton Kaiser

You thought it was already legal to bring a gun to the bar. Daniel Dunn

Your bar has to rename itself "Wine and Gun Locker." Dave Weil

You start practicing your quick draw with a mirror and four shots of tequila. Dave Weil

When your bartender asks you if you want a shot, you shout, "YOU want one, pal? I got a bullet with your name on it right here!" Dave Weil

Your gun has a stranger name than your drink. Dave Weil

You can't wait to bring your gun to your local bar. David Friedlander

You take your gun with you to bars but leave the cigarettes in the car. Dustin Larson

You grab your wine that you purchased online, along with your gun, and head the family down to Lake Palmer for a picnic. Gerri Findley

You quit drinking so that you can carry your gun into bars. James H. Williams

Your legislature thinks wine in the grocery store is more dangerous than guns in bars. Jonathan Wright

Your gun is more accepted at the bar than your pack of cigarettes. Joshua Pettitt

You can bring your guns into a bar, but you can't buy wine in a grocery store. Katharine Reynolds

You now carry face-slapping gloves into bars just in case you need it for a gun duel. Larry Mell Morgan

You wanna take your gun to church. Mark Mott

You carry your gun into Hooters for wings and...a soda? Michele Totty

You think it's more dangerous to sell wine in grocery stores than to allow guns in bars. Patrick Schlafer

You can bring your gun to the bar and have your buddies drink on the way there in your car, yet can't buy wine at Kroger. Paula Larson

You`re embarrassed to tell out-of-town visitors that wine and liquor aren`t available in grocery stores. Randy Smith

You didn't vote for Obama because you're Southern Baptist but got upset that "the wine in grocery stores" bill didn't make it out of the legislative committee. Scott Martindale

You voted for guns in bars and restaurants, but voted against wine sold in the grocery store. Stacy Dyall

You need a flow chart to figure out where you can legally carry your gun. Steve Johnson

You think it's trendy to wear your Western guns and holster with your boots and cowboy hat into the local bar. Steve Oakes

You've already been taking your gun into bars and restaurants. Susie Tucker

You never knew you couldn't bring a gun into a bar. Unknown

There is no cover charge, but gun permits will be checked at the door. Unknown

You think it's OK to bring a gun into a bar, but God forbid they sell wine at Kroger. Unknown

You're a bartender wishing to construct a new cocktail: a loaded gun. Wando Weaver

You'll soon be able to take guns and all types of bombs in bars. Wando Weaver

JOHN RICH

You hate John Rich more than that guy who shot a bear. Trace McAlister

You still think John Rich is a dick. Thom Abell

John Rich has made you fearful of all small men in cowboy hats. Ashley Weiland

You saved the beer bottle John Rich threw at Café Coco. Heather Ridley

You're ready to throw your support behind John Rich for governor just as soon as he kicks the sh*t out of that cowboy stalker wannabe once and for all! Adam Mayfield

You wonder why John Rich is building a three-story concrete prison on Love Circle. Ashley Weiland

You've been assaulted by John Rich or Kid Rock while you were out celebrating being laid off. Damond Jiniya

You think John Rich is the inspiration for the guns-in-bars law. Dan McNamara

You wonder if Toby Keith has been going to John Rich's sensitivity trainer. Dave Weil

You want to see a loser-leave-town tag-team match between Toby Keith/John Rich and Peter Cooper/Big Kenny with Kris Kristofferson as a special guest referee. Dave Weil

You now have a romantic view of John Rich's house. Jarrod W.

When you build your house, you decrease all the property values at Love Circle. Joe Robbertson

You offered to buy John Rich an expensive, ugly house in a different part of town. Joe Robbertson

You punched out John Rich downtown. Joshua Pettitt

John Rich told you that he's "going to kick your f***ing ass." Meredith Hunter

John Rich has beaten the crap out of you. Michael Williams

You have been stalked by John Rich or LeAnn Rimes. Missy Williams

You shake John Rich's hand, then sue him. Peter Dinkel

You've ever used John Rich's name in the same sentence as one of these words: drunk, fight, cops or jerk. Ron Harman

You see John Rich singing "Folsom Prison Blues" on Broadway in Robert's Western World, and you're hoping he won't end up singing it behind bars. Roseann Everett

You have cussed out or have been cussed out by John Rich. Seth Hudson

You'd love to see John Rich kick Tim McGraw's ass in a governor's election. Susie Tucker

You were assaulted by John Rich. Thom Abell

You go to Café Coco in hopes of spending a quiet evening with fellow progressive types, only to have a beer bottle thrown at you by John Rich. Unknown

You consider yourself a Republican and are more ashamed to be associated with John Rich than George W. Bush. Unknown

You've witnessed and/or taken part in a drunk brawl with John Rich. Unknown

You're packing heat whenever you go to the bar, the park or anywhere with John Rich. Unknown

You would strongly suggest to John Rich to STFU. Wando Weaver

MAY TOWN

You're all for May Town, just not the bridge. Adam Mayfield

You now know where Bells Bend is. Gerri Findley

Tony Giarratana is your travel agent. Unknown

You think that a second downtown is exactly what a city that can barely sustain its first downtown needs. Ilissa Gold

You are completely against the May Town Center but don't know why. Paula Larson

You know that the only way you'll ever go to May Town is if they have an Andy Griffith theme restaurant. Adam Mayfield

You thought May Town was the next musical playing at TPAC. Barrett Wallan

You don't know where the heck May Town is. Mary Sack

You bring a guitar to the May Town Center Metro Planning Commission meeting in the hopes of "being heard." Mary Sack

You have no idea what May Town is, was or will be. Unknown

You're aware that May Town and Comcast Town have similarities, chief among them: not having enough bandwidth. Wando Weaver

ENGLISH ONLY

You tweeted something in Spanish to @ericcrafton just to get on his nerves. Andrew Cole

You were the only English First donor who actually lives here. Meredith Hunter

After English Only failed, you requested a copy of the Metro budget in Roman numerals. Daniel Dunn

You voted for "English First" but ordered Rosetta Stone off the TV ads to learn Spanish. Jerry Klein

You appreciate all he did in defeating the English Only amendment, and you feel really guilty, but you're going to have to remove Mario Ramos from your Facebook friends now. Larry Mell Morgan

You wouldn't pee on Eric Crafton to put him out if he was on fire. Lucas Leverett

You wish you lived in Eric Crafton's district so you could run against him, or at least TP his house. Lucas Leverett

You caught the swine flu at a Cinco de Mayo party at Eric Crafton's house. Michael Williams

You were disappointed that the "English First" ballot wasn't bilingual. Mike Bodayle

Eric Crafton wants to deport Giancarlo Guerrero. Unknown

You think that English Only is good, only you don't speak English that good. Unknown

Eric Crafton's life is a foreign affair. Wando Weaver

THE WEIRDIES

You are riding shotgun on a garbage truck.

You have an awkward interaction with Naomi Judd, a.k.a. "Big Red"—because honestly who hasn't?!

You're a singer and a Realtor. You say I figure all the time when you talk. When you take a big vacation, it's to Alabama. You've never been out of state.

You still have the gas in the three five-gallon cans you filled, after topping off your minivan, while I sat patiently waiting on fumes two cars behind last summer.

You go to a metal show and there's only five ex-mental patients with Glocks in attendance.

You're a victim of a drive-by while sitting on your front porch listening to Sugarland.

You'd like to teabag Eric Crafton with a burrito.

You pack heat while you are Twittering.

You pretend to talk on your cell phone to your producer while having turkey meat sliced at Whole Foods.

You drive an SUV. (Nashville was voted the most anti-green city because there are more SUVs per capita than any other city in the U.S.A.!!!)

You play catch with a remote control football.

Toto your recording here! We're not in Kansas anymore, but they may be here for the party.

Worked for Big, but did not get Rich. I worked for Big Kenny, but did not get Rich or John Rich. That is OK, and I am having fun guys.

You are worried that Michael Jackson will be buried next to Andrew Jackson. We would have a traffic jam bigger than any one caused by construction or a wreck.

You have to have an affair with the Village Jewelers floor manager to see if his accent is real.

The dude you hooked up with last night works at Batter'd and Fried.

You can't tell if that one sweaty, skinny, bearded dude from Monday Night Dance Party is really a good dancer or not...or if he might kill you.

The dude you just made out with has an "arrangement" with his girlfriend.

You DID NOT buy that Big Mac after reading the nutrition label now required on fast food! Yeah right!!

You believe that "spooky" GOP email picture is actually the Geico money stack hiding "bipartisan view."

You believe Will and Pat Cook from Holiday World are...dorky!!!!

You hope that Vic Lineweaver is your bitch in prison, so you can make him have a Brazilian mustache wax.

You hope that if "bad things really do come in threes," the third Nashville media person we lose this year will be Phil Williams or Brad Schrade.

Metro legal fucked up your "opinion" too.

You won't be surprised when the legislature tries to name a state highway after a colleague who was arrested after leaving a bar drunk, hitting a deer, but not quite killing it, so he shot it, texted a picture of it to his friends, took it home, and ate it after saying "grace" in English.

You don't discuss the "Meaning of Life" with others, hell, you still haven't figured out the meaning of a double yellow line.

You came home from Bonnaroo a single parent.

You penned a country song with Billy Lawson about your backup's citywide manhunt.

You've always wanted to motorboat Dolly Parton...or is that just me?

Your cat escapes from your house and he gets euthanized because your neighbor called animal control and didn't tell you in time to save him.

You think Garth's caught-in-high-beams picture at the Bluebird would "work" if they'd put Dolly's high-beams picture back up.

Your commanding officer was spotted unleashing his black pot of gold at the end of her rainbow.

You think that Vince Young is a titty baby.

You, Reba and 50 thousand others received "swirlies" in the big toilet bowl.

You've created the anagram "anal rods in" to describe the severe weather forecasts of all of Nashville's head meterologists (Dan, Lisa, Ron).

You and your wife are alumni of MBA and Harpeth Hall alumna respectively, thus you collectively know that your child will attend MBA, but be a graduate of Brown.

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