Nashville may have hosted its first Grammy nominations concert this year, but we've got some envelopes of our own to hand out. Yes, 2012 marks the 23rd edition of the Scene's Boner Awards, our yearly paean to incompetence, folly and indiscretion. And while Music City may be no stranger to hits, this is all about the misses — oh, the undeniable misses!
A fixture of local TV commercials packing illicit heat? On the playlist. A foot-licking tryst arranged through Craigslist gone haywire? About to come up on shuffle. Politicians crooning a wholesome family-values tune while trampling on law and decency like a bunch of slobbering lunatics? Queue it up. It's practically an infinite mixtape of larger-than-life chart-toppers and lower-than-dirt show-stoppers of all genres, from hyp-hocrisy to dumbstep.
So, like a DJ whose talk break has gone on too long, at long last we present a year's worth of goofs, mal mots and flops — ribbed, for your pleasure. Now that's what we call Boners!
And the ignominees are ...
Rock You Like a Boner-cane: Stacey Campfield's greatest hits so far, vol. 1, part 2
Few political artists have been as transcendent in recent years as state Sen. Stacey Campfield. The Red Headed Strange Senator from Knoxville has hardly fallen from the top of the Boner charts since he came to office, and that didn't change this year. Who could forget classics like "It Was One Guy Screwing a Monkey," a concept piece in which Campfield, as only he can, told an interviewer that AIDS began when an airline pilot "screwed" a primate and then went on to have sex with other men — a novel interpretation that left people across the country rubbing their eyes and ears in astonishment? Or his characteristically informed take on the killing of Trayvon Martin: Soon after the story broke and the issue of so-called "stand your ground laws" became the subject of much conversation, Campfield declared he was "pretty sure" that Tennessee had such a law on the books. Oh, wait: He's the one who sponsored it.
More recently, this one-man Dr. Demento Show showed his range by appropriating the phrase "shuck and jive" — the origins of which date back to slavery — in a reference to President Obama's ... well, that wasn't really clear. Campfield appeared to be using the term in solidarity with former presidential candidate Sarah Palin (an eccentric political maestro in her own right), who had employed the phrase in a similar fashion days earlier.
But perhaps his greatest single performance came in late September, when he penned a composition titled "Let's Put Those Legal Boys to Work." In it, he called out those "not of the exclusive on line [sic] media community" who had apparently been "trying to profit" from his work — in other words, journalists directly citing the dumbfounding twaddle he posts on his blog, available for all to see on the Internet. But that didn't stop Campfield from threatening unspecified legal action if they continued to quote his prose. A brilliant work of satire, we're quite sure — or perhaps a concept album about a dystopian future where politicians attempt to prevent the press from accurately quoting their statements. Congratulations, Senator! You're No. 1 with a Boner bullet — aimed squarely at your own foot.
Capitol Offense: It seems like every year our legislators put together a new version of that old horror flick The Hill Has Boners
Hot Man-on-Manning Action!
WHEREAS, state Rep. Jeremy Faison (R-Cosby) took legislative absurdity to new heights by drafting a resolution urging the Tennessee Titans to sign Peyton Manning; and WHEREAS this is the same Jeremy Faison whose contribution to the House debate on cyberbullying was to suggest parents were to blame for teen suicides; and WHEREAS Faison's resolution includes language so fawning you suspect he might reverse his anti-gay-marriage stance so he can propose to the star quarterback; now, therefore, BE IT RESOLVED that Faison has a major boner for Peyton. BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that we've got a rock-hard capital-B Boner for Faison. Delivered herewith, this 13th day of December, 2012.
The first time state Rep. Julia Hurley made the news with her little dog Pepper, she was arguing that Pepper should be allowed to boldly go where no dog has gone before — into the Roane County Courthouse —because she was Hurley's service dog. Pepper's service? According to Hurley, companionship. Pepper made the news again when Hurley posted a video on the Internet of a man in her car holding Pepper completely outside of the moving vehicle while Pepper engaged in what Hurley called "air-swimming" and everyone else recognized as "flailing in panic." Hurley claimed the criticism she received for her treatment of Pepper was a "liberal ploy," but it was bipartisan concern for Pepper that landed Hurley in the doghouse — and ultimately, out of the House.
Come as you are, as you were
In the midst of a heated Senate debate earlier this year, state Sen. Mae Beavers was asked if a bill she was sponsoring — aimed at prohibiting anti-discrimination "all-comers" policies, like one in place for Vanderbilt University student organizations — would force a university to recognize devil worshipers or Klan members, if they cited religious principles as the basis for their membership policies. Small-government conservative that she is, Beavers said that choice would be left to individual schools. And that sounds reasonable enough — except that the bill Beavers was sponsoring would have done just the opposite. (Since the bill was apparently written with only Christian organizations in mind, few could blame her for being confused.) In the end, though, Gov. Bill Haslam sided with the Mae Beavers who was opposing the bill instead of the Mae Beavers who was sponsoring it, and issued his first-ever veto. Way to show some backbone, Guv — devil horns!
2 legit 2 quit
At this summer's Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., Rep. Joe Carr (R-Lascassas) engaged in a bizarre back-and-forth with the media over the female reproductive system. Carr first said he agreed with Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin that raped women possess a magical power to ward off pregnancy. Then, under criticism back home, Carr denied he said it, then said it again — or said that he'd heard it's true but couldn't personally vouch for it, not being a scientist himself. And besides, he didn't remember talking to any reporters about it in the first place. Glad he cleared that up.
Volunteers of a Clown: They’re bad, they’re statewide — a raft of Boners courtesy of state politicians and political wannabes
Mark of the beast
If he had been paying attention, state Democratic Party chairman Chip Forrester could have yanked right-wing conspiracy theorist Mark Clayton's name off the ballot in the August primary for U.S. Senate. But Forrester said he was too busy to vet the candidates. So instead, Clayton — who believes the U.S. government is scheming to build a secret superhighway from Canada to Mexico and herd people into FEMA prison camps — defeated a field of nobodies, forcing the party to disavow him after the fact and making Tennessee Democrats a national embarrassment. When Clayton took a surprising 702,298 votes, or 30 percent, against Sen. Bob Corker on Nov. 6, Forrester shrugged. "Voters have a responsibility to educate themselves about candidates," he said. Since that apparently doesn't apply to party chairmen, consider the awarding of this Boner our civic duty, diligently performed.
Fowler than foul
In August, conservative activist and Family Action Council of Tennessee head David Fowler posted what he called a "lesson in irony" to his Facebook wall. The food stamp program, so the lesson went, is proudly distributing more aid than ever; at the same time, the National Park Service instructs us not to feed animals because "the animals will grow dependent on handouts and not learn to take care of themselves." Heh, heh — because poor people are wretched little animals, get it? O hilarity, Fowler is thy name. More than a few Tennesseans spent 2012 equating "family values conservative" with "jackass," but Fowler's food for thoughtlessness merits special recognition. Open mouth, insert Boner.
Suck his caucus
State Sen. Jim Summerville is the kind of guy who answers the door in underwear and boots, looks controversy straight in the face and says, "Make my day." Over the course of a single month, the Dickson Republican unleashed a tour de force of pot-stirring, in three acts. In late July, he was cited with a misdemeanor for "dogs at large," after allegedly letting his dogs run loose in the neighborhood and posting a sign threatening his irritated neighbors. Then he sent out word that for Senate members and staffers looking to celebrate Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, the anti-gay chicken was on him. For the finale, he sent an email to members of the state's Black Caucus, letting them know he didn't "give a rat's ass" what they thought. When asked about the comments later, he fired back, "Which part wasn't clear? The matter speaks for itself. Maybe I could have used a more artful term like a 'rodent's posterior.' " Get off his lawn. You've been warned.
Tharon lies the problem
Running as what we'll call an extremely independent candidate, serial office-seeker, buttocks-area-bone-marrow-harvesting conspiracy theorist — we wish we were joking about that — and all-around crazypants horndog Tharon Chandler actually attempted to challenge Marsha Blackburn for the 7th Congressional district seat this year. It's almost hard to believe he lost, considering the nifty bio on his blog: "I am a Man looking for a Woman with which to 'Procreate' or make or have children." But while he may not be your congressman, ladies, he could still be your main squeeze: "Now, it is not young teen girls i [sic] am seeking in my adventures around the country and recently on international treks," Chandler writes, "but 'Older' teen girls and young women; like the kind that every real man likes, unless he is a lier [sic]."
Democrats in Tennessee are not just marginalized — legislatively speaking, they're irrelevant! Yes, the party that once ran everything now has so few seats in the General Assembly that they're not required to be there for the body to conduct business. And the man to thank? The captain of the ship, party chairman Chip Forrester, whose Bonertastic tenure ended in the most fitting way possible: Twelve days before the election, he announced he was leaving his post, completely upstaging the party's efforts. Because nothing tells voters you're poised for success like being quoted saying, "Unless lightning strikes, we're going to be in the super-minority." As the old Democratic saying goes: Lightning never strikes once.
A state housing agency's officials admitted "we have fun" with public money. Channel 5's Phil Williams reported the Tennessee Housing Development Agency spent nearly $10,000 on an outing to Dave and Buster's, treated administrators to a stretch limo ride, and bought "drag queen boobs" for an employee talent show. The agency's new boss, Ralph Perrey, promised the party's over. "I think there are other ways that you can have a rewarding place of work and to show your appreciation for the hard work that's done," he said. Boners all around!
House of Peen: They came to get down: These dudes got more Boners than the Bible’s got psalms
Who knew that sleeping with patients was a family value? In an electoral news season where it took real work to break through all the "legitimate rape" in the air, up stepped Scott DesJarlais. With tea party candidates across the land tripping over their Boners, Tennessee's 4th District congressman made headlines for not only shtupping a woman he had been treating in his medical practice, but also for trying to talk her into driving to Atlanta to have an abortion. (On that last point, the candidate explained he was pulling a ruse to get the woman to tell the truth about her pregnancy — like that makes it more honorable.) The ostensibly pro-life DesJarlais dismissed all of this as old news, the product of a decade-old messy divorce. For those keeping track, "my insanely hypocritical actions are irrelevant because they're old" is now a winning campaign strategy.
Back in the day, Paul Stanley used to be a state senator. But after his mistress/intern's boyfriend tried to blackmail him and the TBI had to get involved, Stanley has been reduced to making media appearances every time some political bigwig gets caught in a sex scandal. Fortunately for Stanley, this means he has pretty steady work. Unfortunately for Stanley, it means that he keeps saying things that seem to undermine his "I only made this one mistake and it was all my mistress's fault" story. This year, not only did he admit that he decided to have an affair with said intern "the moment I laid eyes on her" (which is pretty much the opposite of her seducing him), he also admitted to Politico that "my affairs were purely sexual. There was no emotion in them." Note the plurals.
We'd be remiss if we published a Boner Awards issue without mentioning a Metro councilman arrested for patronizing a prostitute — that would be District 4's Brady Banks, who was cuffed for just that offense in February. And we'd also be remiss if we failed to mention that said Metro councilman was both a Harvard Divinity School graduate and the married husband of a minister. And the fact that a Franklin Road Academy high school coach had been arrested the week before in a police prostitution sting — all of which add up to make this a crime of highly questionable passion, theological awkwardness and utterly staggering stupidity.
Exit Poles: Another raging election, another batch of voting-related Boners. Don’t you love the smell of facepalm in the morning?
Kyle ’em all, let GOP sort ’em out
Poor state Sen. Jim Kyle was redistricted into the heavily Republican district of Sen. Brian Kelsey. So he did what any Tennessee Democrat would do — he worked a backroom deal with Republicans so they'd change district boundaries and allow him to run instead against fellow Democratic Sen. Beverly Marrero, a champion of women's and LGBT issues, because it's not like Tennessee needs more of those folks. Kyle's actions are illustrative of the problem faced by Tennessee Democrats — even as Democratic voters become younger, less white and more female, the old white guys won't take up those causes or get out of the way of people who will.
My Uzi-fix weighs a ton
As a gun-rights lobbyist, one might think it wise to project something other than menace and threats. Or one might be Tennessee Firearms Association executive director John Harris. Just days before the contentious guns-in-lots bill was put to rest for the year, Harris sent a letter to TFA members saying "symbolically, it is time to display a used crucifix at the entrance to the General Assembly as a warning." Ultimately, though, Harris' increasingly unhinged rhetoric marked him as a weapon of somewhat larger bore than a handgun — a loose cannon.
Ghost ballot for voting machine works
Some places have a reputation for treating dead voters as if they're living. This presidential election, Nashville's own John Dwyer, an anchor at WKRN, showed up at the polls to vote, only to learn that he was listed on the rolls as deceased. On Facebook, Dwyer, who was rather sanguine about being among the walking dead, had a theory for how it happened. "Sounds like, through my various moves in Nashville over the years, they had me in twice and someone didn't know how to delete from the system so they just killed me. Ouch." This wasn't the worst of the snafus on voting day — there were reports all over the state of incredibly long lines, too few voting machines, too few workers, too few forms for fixing problems, and people not being told they could vote provisionally if they encountered problems — but it was the spookiest.
False Equivalency Hall of Fame
Former Congressman Lincoln Davis was understandably upset in March when he discovered that a mistake meant he was registered to vote in Pickett County and not in his home county of Fentress. But Davis, instead of being outraged in proportion to the actual offense against him, told a reporter, "Now I know how the black man must have felt a hundred years ago." Yes, in Davis' mind, being made to cast a provisional ballot is pretty much the same as living in a time when you had no legal recourse if your wife's boss raped her, or when you were under the constant threat of being lynched by the people in your community for entertainment, or when even trying to vote meant someone might try to kill you.
Fear of an Islamic Transgendered Planet: People who aren’t exactly alike in every way are so scary!
Stomp — in the name of love
State Rep. Richard Floyd, R-Chattanooga, earned nationwide contempt with his bill to keep transgender people out of public restrooms. Under his thoughtful proposal, which never went anywhere in the legislature, it would have been a criminal offense — complete with a $50 fine — for transgender people to use restrooms designated for the gender other than the one listed on their birth certificates. Floyd was defiant in the face of criticism, telling reporters he'd "stomp a mudhole" (whatever that means) into any transgender person who troubled his wife or daughters in the bathroom. Ooo-kay.
Sorry, Ms. Jackson
After waging her one-woman jihad against comedy on Saturday Night Live in the late '80s and early '90s, Victoria Jackson embarked on a new career as a conservative commentator. The avid tea partier came to Middle Tennessee in April to "investigate" the Islamic Center of Murfreesboro for a story for the right-wing website Patriot Upchuck ... er, Update. In a report on NewsChannel 5, the savvy pundit offered this assessment of the situation: "I think this big Islamic center will be a breeding ground for terrorists. I mean, duh!" Her exhaustive research and thoughtful commentary earn Jackson a serious schwiiing! from the Boner committee.
Spare the Rod: We’ve seen some weird stuff happen in the name of education — but then, our homework was never quite like this
The Displeasure Principal
At some point in your education, you may have the learned the difference between the words "principle" and "principal" by employing a mnemonic such as, "the principal of your school is your pal." For one Tennessee school administrator, though, that apparently applies only if you're straight, and what to expect when you're expecting is a very cold shoulder. In February, Dorothy Bond, then principal at Haywood High School in Brownsville, Tenn., pointed at gay students during an assembly and told them they were going to hell, later adding that pregnant students' lives were basically ruined. Soon after the story broke, Bond — also infamous for incorporating proselytizing into school events — resigned.
Monkey See, Monkey Don't
Lamar Wyatt, the stentorian Powers Boothe character on the TV show Nashville, called our fair city a "cultural juggernaut." That's a fair assessment, if you count regularly making national news for proposing every kind of wrongheaded, backward legislation imaginable. Take the infamous "monkey bill," which allowed educators to teach the "scientific strengths and scientific weaknesses" of theories like, oh, say, evolution — a license to treat bogus ideas like intelligent design as if they were equally compelling. Not only did our feckless Gov. Bill Haslam not veto the bill — despite urgings to do so from pretty much everyone with a functioning frontal lobe — he let it pass into law (without his signature) while admitting, "I ... don't believe that it accomplishes anything that isn't already acceptable in our schools." Stupid and meaningless — why, it's like killing two brain cells with one Boner!
A Heart-On for Charter Schools
When the Metro school board rejected Great Hearts Academies for fear the charter school would cater too heavily to prosperous white families, state Education Commissioner Kevin Huffman retaliated by withholding $3.4 million in state education funds from Nashville. Emails obtained by The City Paper revealed Huffman kept constant tabs on the controversy for months, plotting ways to circumvent the school board. Asked about his keen interest in this single charter proposal, he said: "Part of my job is to make sure that we have good, high-quality schools in Tennessee — period." Even if he has to take money away from Nashville's cash-strapped public schools to do it.
Bone-Us Tracks:Music Row? More like Music Ruh-Roh for these out-of-tune Boners
When the Grand Ole Opry invited Darius Rucker to be just their third black member, they wanted to share the news with the world. And naturally, since it's 2012, they Instagrammed the occasion and fired off a tweet. But it was just too big. See, Instagram shortens tweeted captions to squeeze them into Twitter's 140-character limit. And the Opry uses the hashtag #OpryNight to document their goings-on. So the picture and accompanying caption of Rucker? Well, that tweet was 142 characters, and thus two very key letters — the last two letters — of the tag got chopped when the Tweet was sent. The Opry deleted the tweet, but not before the Boner was screen-capped for posterity — and it wasn't any Little Jimmy Dickens.
River Bottom Nightmare
Last December, local radio personality Intern Adam (Davis) — a vociferous fixture on 107.5 The River — signed up to be the puck in the Nashville Predators' Human Hockey Puck promotion, but that's not the Boner here. The idea was that Davis be propelled on a sled across the ice and into some oversized bowling pins. That's not the Boner, either. Whizzing along at full speed, he missed the pins and crashed into the unforgiving rink wall, breaking his ankle severely enough to require screws. Ouch! Davis later sued the Predators organization and Bridgestone Arena management, seeking damages in excess of $25,000 — leaving spectators to wonder exactly what he expected from being a Human Hockey Puck. Aaaaand we have a Boner!
Kenny Chesney might have packed out LP Field for the third time in his career this summer, but it's the performance of the stadium's security team that made headlines. The detail ousted concertgoer Nathan Blankenship after noticing that the Bellevue schoolteacher bore an uncanny resemblance to (and shared a cowboy-hatted fashion sense with) the "Beer in Mexico" singer. Ironically, stadium security ended up creating the very scenario they were trying to avoid, when hordes of fans actually did mistake Blankenship for Chesney ... as he was being manhandled through the crowd.
Points of Dark
Count "at least he wasn't naked this time" among the things we never thought we'd say about Randy Travis getting arrested for the third time in six months, this time for fighting his girlfriend's estranged husband in a Texas church parking lot. But alas. When the 53-year-old Opry member (and fairly recent Carrie Underwood duet partner) was cuffed in August, it was his second trip to the hoosegow that month. The reason for the previous trip: He was found lying naked "in the roadway" after crashing his Trans Am into a construction site, cited for drunk driving and then slapped with felony retaliation charges for threatening "to shoot and kill the troopers working the case," according to the cops. This was a few hours after he walked drunk and naked into a Tiger Mart demanding cigarettes — only to realize that, being pantsless, he didn't have money to pay for smokes anyway. Which was mere months after he was arrested for public intoxication outside a church in Sanger, Texas. Oh, and count "He was given a paper suit, which is a jail uniform made out of paper," among the things we never thought we'd hear a cop say about Randy Travis after ... well, you get the idea.
When you're a dude who reaches a certain level of stardom, you have to expect that a few bras or other undergarments of the silky and/or lacy variety will be thrown your way whilst onstage. During this year's CMT Music Awards, country singer Luke Bryan beat the crowd to the punch when he won the Male Video of the Year award: He threw his own underwear into the Bridgestone Arena crowd. And this wasn't any old pair of skivvies — the camouflage boxers were allegedly Bryan's good luck charm. Country music fans, we ask: How does Bryan fit boxers under those extremely tight pants?
The Medium Is the Boner: Some outlets break news, some can't seem to get it together. Here are a few media mishaps that got a rise out of us
They say the Neon Boners are Bright on Broadway
Maybe it's a little unfair picking on The Tennessean, given that they put out the fishwrapper 365 times a year (366 in 2012). But do we simply ignore the insult to readers' intelligence (not to mention maturity) back in March when the paper decided we can't handle the "graphic wording" of a Doonesbury strip lampooning insane abortion laws? Are we supposed to just overlook the June rollout of a health section featuring hospital PR flack-written content masquerading as journalism? Should we pretend that Frank Daniels III's appalling "Teachable Moments" piece on Jews and money-lending on the editorial page in July never happened? Do we dismiss as a mere momentary lapse in editorial judgment the November op-ed by a Middle Tennessee rich guy whose paranoid delusions include the belief that cities represent the decline of Western civilization? And can we assume that the crème de la crème, the hilarious if ironically challenged "Where to spot Nashville hipsters" feature (including a slideshow and an interactive map with fedoras as hot-spot markers), happened in some alternative parodic universe? Good thing there's now an online paywall protecting an unsuspecting browsing public from all of this breathtaking journalism. Could be worse, though — at least the paper didn't stoop to endorsing Mitt Romney. Oh, wait ...
If you picked up a certain June issue of the Murfreesboro Post, you saw a picture that was accurate in many ways. Incumbent U.S. Rep. Diane Black was the target, as it were, of an aggressive challenge from tea partier Lou Ann Zelenik, who has at times appeared to go, well, rather ballistic. Still, the Photoshopped image on the cover, of Zelenik pointing a firearm at a picture of Black's face, was a swing and a miss. It all turned out fine, though. The Black campaign reportedly read the paper the riot act, and in the end, defeated Zelenik.
Unlawful Carnival Knowledge
We were all waiting for it. We all knew Chris Bostick — aka Carnival Kia Guy, aka "Don't You Leave!" Guy — would pull some sort of peculiar Boner at one point or another. But after years of family-featuring TV ads with plots that grew increasingly non sequitur and disjointed (cool family rock band, bro), who'd have thought assault and weapons charges would be the impetus for bringing Nashville's most svelte, impish towhead to his knees in Boner Town? Having been brought up on felony concealed-weapon charges in 1989, Bostick is reportedly no longer allowed to possess firearms. But when police showed up at Bostick's home following an altercation with his wife Dessie in early November — he allegedly slammed a door in her face and knocked her phone out of her hand — the fuzz found an AR-15 assault rifle and a handgun in the couple's bedroom. The couple appeared together in court on Nov. 21, with Dessie telling press, "Situations get sensationalized." Chris added, "I'm embarrassed for my kids." Wait — since when?
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Boners
The front page of the Feb. 9 Green Hills News featured a story with this headline: "Rape numbers rose in 2011, but many still go unreported." It goes without saying that rape is no laughing matter, which is why readers were puzzled to see the story accompanied by a stock photograph — featuring four perky young women, dressed in bright colors and smiling for the camera, looking for all the world like the cast of a high school stage adaptation of the '80s sitcom The Facts of Life. Thus, the undisputed winner of this year's "Stories You Probably Shouldn't Illustrate with a Stock Photo" award, and hopefully a cautionary tale for art directors everywhere.
Perhaps no one took the term "bully pulpit" to heart more than Rutherford Reader publisher Pete Doughtie. According to a story in the Murfreesboro Post, Doughtie got a call in mid-July from a woman named Sara Mitchell, who said she was going to stop doing business with his advertisers if they continued to support the publication of "columns from DailyRollCall.com and other sources that are critical of Islam." (That's putting it diplomatically.) Doughtie responded by publishing her name, home address and phone number, and just like that, Mitchell started receiving threatening calls, including one from a man who rang at 10:30 p.m. to say, "Thank you for sucking my big, fat cock." This Boner's for you, harrass-hole.
Sporting Wood: Fumbling toward the ecstasy of defeat, a few local athletes managed to send one through the uprights
Don't Finger This Johnson
Having not read Eddie George's book — co-written with his wife — on keeping marriage real, we have to guess there's a chapter called "Baby, I Just Needed a Ride Home." In March, the Titans legend and sometime actor was the passenger in a car driven by a very drunk 21-year-old blond British professional golfer named Rachel Connor — who was pulled over around 3 a.m. with fast Eddie riding shotgun. Eddie insisted he wasn't cheating on his wife (his co-author on that book, see?) but we bet he had to do some convincing he wasn't playing in a skins game.
The Hot Route
Vanderbilt's James Franklin is Boner-worthy because his assistant coaches' wives are, too. On the Mensa-fest that is Clay Travis' radio show, Franklin said, "I've been saying it for a long time, I will not hire an assistant until I see his wife. If she looks the part and she's a D1 recruit, then you got a chance to get hired. That's part of the deal." Commodore fans have settled for winning ugly for years. In the Franklin Era, now they've found a way they can finally win pretty.
Someone Get Britt a Filter
In late July, Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt was arrested. At this point, that should come as no surprise, as Britt's record is longer than a fourth-quarter Hail Mary. But this time, Britt got stopped for drunken driving at the front gates of Fort Campbell. All DUI arrests are asinine, but pulling up half-cocked to a military installation — guarded, as all military installations are, by humorless men with automatic weapons — is a brand-new kind of stupid. Britt was suspended for just one game, but his spot at the top of the dumbest arrests in Titans history is secure.
If Olympic gold medalist Shaun White's September antics at a Nashville hotel were a snowboarding run, he would have scored low for technical difficulty and high for blood-alcohol content. White drunkenly destroyed a telephone, pulled the hotel fire alarm at 2 a.m. — forcing an evacuation of all guests — then got into a fight with someone who had called the police on him while trying to do a backside 180-to-flee-the-scene. White ended up in the hospital with a totally gnarly shiner and a lump on his head, suggesting he should keep those pads and helmet on at all times.The Drunk Digest Top 5
The Drunk Digest Top 5: When you party too hard and don’t make it home, this is where you end up
After a slew of public intoxication arrests on New Year's Eve 2011, City Paper reporter Pierce Greenberg decided to take the sometimes profane, often batty exploits of Nashville's drinking community to Twitter. The comical, bite-sized descriptions of stumbling idiots were too good not to share with the world, and #drunkdigest was born.
The year featured many highlights: a Bloody Mary tossed from a moving vehicle ... onto a cop; the discovery of a 31-year-old man, pants at ankles, nestling an entire box of Natty Light; and a New Zealand legal rights activist drunkenly stumbling after a car being towed.
There were notable quotes: "I own this town. Fuck you." Or the guy who tried to convince cops he could make $100,000 "happen" if they let him go. A lot of times, people were unfamiliar with their surroundings: Chattanooga? Knoxville? On a plane to West Nashville? Or where they were going: "West to my homeland!" one arrestee proclaimed.
But here are the five most Boner-worthy public intoxication arrests of the year.
5. Pita of Despair
After hitting up Broadway or Second Avenue, you could wake up the next morning with a nasty hangover, a fuzzy memory and/or a burning sensation when you pee. Or, in the case of our #drunkdigest participant, you might end up passed out, asleep in the bathroom at the downtown Pita Pit.
When cops found our protagonist snoozing in the stall, they shook him awake and asked for ID.
But instead of reaching for his wallet, the man panicked and, according to the police report, "attempted to disassemble the toilet paper dispenser." The answers to life's looming questions might be found at the bottom of a bottle, but your ID probably isn't in that big plastic thing with the jagged tear-off edges.
4. Lonely Island
Police received a call in April from a man who needed help with his boat out at Percy Priest Lake. When wildlife resource agents and firemen arrived on an island in the middle of the lake, they found a drunk man and two other people on the shore. The man refused to be transported, while the other two were taken back to the mainland.
By the time TWRA returned to check on the stalwart, they discovered he had pulled down several trees and started a fire on the island, perhaps channeling a less introspective Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Finally, at 12:30 a.m., he was taken into custody.
Officers found 28 grams of weed in his back pocket. He was charged with public intoxication, non-emergency 911 calls, simple possession and reckless burning. The final judgment: more than $1,000 in court costs.
3. 'Nuff Said
From the police report: "After denying exposing himself, he blew smoke from a cigarette as well as spit at the arresting officer's face."
2. West End Town Dead End Walmart
This year featured a slew of people having sex in all manner of places: a downtown park, near the rescue mission and least surprisingly, outside the Nolensville Road Walmart. But most notably, a couple shacked up on a sidewalk on West End and attracted several onlookers.
Police report: "Under Miranda the codefendant stated the defendant pulled his penis out of his pants and they 'fooled' around and kissed. While in the back seat of my car, the codefendant stated, 'Look at me in the back seat of this police car for nailing a girl on the sidewalk on West End!"
1. Needle and the Damage Done
Public intoxication arrests in downtown Nashville aren't unusual — and there was nothing particularly notable about a man booted from the Convention Center for being drunk. Except that the only event at the NCC that weekend was the National Network of Embroidery Professionals trade show.
TEST YOUR BONER ACUMEN
1. What valuable lesson did a 46-year-old New Yorker learn in June after his eventful stay at the downtown Hilton hotel?
a. Kindness is the very best tip of all.
b. That round thing in the public urinal is not a mint.
c. You mean you have to pay for those little bottles in the refrigerator?
d. It's probably better not to contract an 18-year-old girl through Craigslist to massage and lick her feet for $100, lest her three companions bust in, beat and rob you.
2. First-term state Rep. Kelly Kiesling (R-Byrdstown) made headlines across the country last summer when he:
a. Hosted a press conference with a Democratic candidate whose own party wouldn't even support him — no, wait, that was Sen. Stacey Campfield.
b. Claimed "at least 20 states have filed papers for secession with the White House" over ObamaCare — no, wait, that was Sen. Mae Beavers.
c. Reasoned that he would probably sign a widely criticized school science bill into law because it didn't really change anything — no, wait, that was Gov. Bill Haslam.
d. Forwarded an email to constituents warning them that President Obama was planning to fake his own assassination in order to declare martial law. (Which didn't happen, so ... vigilance pays!)
3. A well-funded, politically orchestrated nationwide campaign tried to make the anti-teacher's union propaganda drama Won't Back Down, hosted at a Nashville screening by Mayor Karl Dean, a rallying cry for education "reform." That didn't happen, but the movie did get:
a. A cease-and-desist order from Tom Petty's lawyer.
b. Raves from Gene Shalit: "I 'won't back down' on this one! Go to the head of the Oscar class!"
c. An MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss between Dean and Walden Media's ass.
d. A new record for the least money taken in by a release that wide in box-office history.
4. In May, two Murfreesboro men took umbrage with their local McDonald's on grounds that their cheeseburgers did not contain enough onion. After a bout of drinking, according to police reports, they decided to register their displeasure by:
a. Tea-bagging Mayor McCheese.
b. Pushing Grimace into a deep fryer.
c. Robble robble robble chainsaw robble robble robble naked.
d. Heaving bricks through the window.
5. The hamburger chain made the news again in June, thanks to a lawsuit that:
a. Can be Super-Sized with extra bacon!
b. Came with a Rise of the Guardians action figure!
c. Demanded the great taste of McRibs all year long!
d. Targeted the Kardashian sisters for allegedly (and improbably) assaulting a Kentucky ex-con in a Nashville McDonald's parking lot, even though published reports had Kim Kardashian in New York that day.
6. In just nine hours' time on March 25, William Todd made national headlines — and legend — by allegedly:
a. Breaking into a slaughterhouse and stealing a shotgun, revolver and Taser; shooting up the slaughterhouse and burning it to the ground; robbing four people at a local bar, Tasing one and pistol-whipping another; and carjacking a cab.
b. Vandalizing a Union Street law office by defecating on a desk and smearing his feces on the walls; entering Hotel Indigo wearing a red wig and impersonating a female housekeeper.
c. Stealing $600 at gunpoint from a Canadian couple; shaving his head; crashing the aforementioned stolen cab into a parking garage; and ordering another cabbie at knifepoint to drive him to Opryland, where he was arrested while almost completely submerged in a water cooling unit.
d. All of the above.
7. No slouch in the Boner department, the Scene this year managed to:
a. Attribute legislation to a Republican that was actually filed by a Democrat.
b. Send, by way of the Country Life Twitter account, a tweet misidentifying Blind Boys of Alabama singer Jimmy Carter as the former U.S. president.
c. Mistake a photo of some ordinary-looking dudes as a still from the movie Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.
d. All of the above.
Answers: 1-7, D.