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Just don't forget your church panties

Seek and Ye Shall Find

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A few years back, I got on the Internet and stumbled onto Book22.com. It's an online store for frisky married Christians in need of God-approved sex toys. A few days ago, I started wondering if Book22 is still in business. Well, it is.

There's no serious kink at Book22 – no foot washing, no snake handling and no porn videos. But there are some light-bondage supplies and strong suggestions that active Christian couples might want to try "speaking in tongues" now and then, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

For instance, Book22 sells Happy Penis Cream, which is described as "an unbelievably satisfying oral experience. Head Candy will allow you to feel and administer pleasure like never before. Each pack includes one set for him and her. The candy is pressed onto the teeth, creating a smooth, slippery cushion. Both certified kosher with a delicious passion fruit flavor!"

Sweet Baby Jesus! A sex aid for married couples who don't know how to keep their teeth off their partner's business. It troubles me that there's a need for such a thing. I'm glad to see that the folks at Book22 are showing some love to our Jewish friends, but I feel a little sorry for the unfortunate rabbi who has to spend his days blessing the Christians' Head Candy.

Book22 is owned and operated by Oregonians Kevin and Joy Wilson, a self-described "Christian couple who have been married for over 14 years now."

Here's a little something from the "About Book22" page on their website. "We have prayed every step of the way for guidance on what products to offer on this site."

Heaven help me, I can just hear one of the prayers in my mind: "O Lord, please guide us to the best vibrator. We can't decide between the Hitachi Magic Wand and the Acu-Vibe."

And the reply from heaven above: "Well, the Magic Wand has a little more power, which would be good for the hard-to-arouse. And it has attachments, including a dandy G-spotter. On the other hand, the Acu-Vibe has rechargeable batteries, which makes it portable. You can take the Acu-Vibe to the beach!"

Apparently, the Lord is a horsepower man. Book22 sells the $55 Hitachi Magic Wand and the $11 attachment that gives a loving couple an opportunity to do a little spelunking, if you know what I mean. There are no realistic phalluses for sale on the website, but there are gizmos such as the Quiet Explorer, a "giga-powered love bullet for erogenous zone exploration."

If a fixing-to-get-busy couple is looking for Book22's top-of-the-line massager, they might want to try the $61 Aphrodite Infrared Rechargeable, which has a "flexo-joint" that "moves with you," as well as a wall recharger to make sure you don't run out of juice. The Aphrodite comes with smooth, nubby and pinpoint attachments; the website warns that the gizmo is "not intended for insertion."

Which brings me to this: The folks at Book22 also offer Before & After Intimacy Product Cleaner. The 8-oz. bottle goes for $10. "Just spray it on, wipe it off and rinse!" Better yet, "it freshens any toy with a fresh, sweet fragrance."

The Wilsons are serious about their mission to improve the sex lives of married couples. For instance, they don't sell any books, tapes, DVDs or gadgets that would even suggest threesomes. But these folks are not prudes. Best I can tell, they're in favor of some good, clean mischief every now and then. For instance, their website offers non-piercing nipple rings, just the thing for playing a little dress-up. More mischievous yet are the Climax Remote Panties, a thong with a secret pocket for its wireless stimulator, which can be set off from a distance of 20 feet or less. "You can wear your panties wherever you go," says the info on the website.

Glory be, if I could set off one or more of those vibrating panty thongs in the church house, I'd do it every Sunday. And don't you know, I'd do it during the altar call. "Whoa, Jesus! I'm coming, Jesus! Help me, Lord!"

The remote-control toe-curling panties go for $74. Used correctly — as described above — a few such panties could be priceless. Don't worry about getting caught. Who's going to tell on you? Once the vibrating panties have been tested and proven, every Sunday morning will start with these words: "Sweetie, where are my church panties?"

Email editor@nashvillescene.com.

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