It Could Be Worse: Mississippi Is Trying to Outlaw Zeus's Sex Life

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So, sure, right now we're the laughingstock of the nation as everyone yet again turns to Stacey Campfield and his latest attempt to be this state's archvillain (see Jeff Woods' post, for instance).

But folks, I'm happy to report that Mississippi is coming to our rescue. Seems that legislators caught wind of what Zeus has been up to for the past 10,000 years, and Rep. William Tracy Arnold is having none of that nonsense in the Magnolia State. As reported by the Clarion-Ledger:

The legislation also seeks to clamp down on human-animal hybrid trafficking. One clause makes it illegal to transport or receive such a hybrid “for any purpose.”

Notably, the way the bill is written, it would not outlaw freak accidents in which, say, you were bitten by a radioactive spider and later developed spider-like qualities. It is only illegal to “intentionally or knowingly” create a human-animal hybrid — like, say, the Animorphs.

It seems unbelievable, especially because Mississippi HB0819 specifically states, "That the laws of the State of Mississippi should be based on accurate scientific data." There's not a lot of accurate scientific data about the rise of human/animal hybrids.

But I'll be damned. The bill devotes all of Section 14 to making sure Mississippi doesn't end up with any native-born centaurs, minotaurs, or beautiful women from swan eggs:

(3) It shall be unlawful for any person or entity to intentionally or knowingly: (a) Create or attempt to create a human-animal hybrid; (b) Transfer or attempt to transfer a human embryo into a nonhuman womb; (c) Transfer or attempt to transfer a nonhuman embryo into a human womb; (d) Transport or receive for any purpose a human-animal hybrid or any product derived from such hybrid.

Cancel my flight to Natchez.
  • Cancel my flight to Natchez.
So basically, Rep. Arnold wants to make sure The Iliad could never happen in Mississippi. As you recall, the Trojan War started when Zeus came to Leta in the form of a swan and they got it on, thus creating a human-animal hybrid — Helen — who was born from an egg, which I think we have to count as maybe a human embryo being transferred into a non-human womb.

Helen was the most beautiful woman in the world, ever, and she married Menelaus, who created with her a human-human/animal hybrid — Hermione. The bill seems to not cover this scenario, but I think we have to guess that this also would be a no-no. And then Paris kidnaps Helen and takes her to Troy, thus making him a transporter of a human-animal hybrid and all the people of Troy the illegal receivers.

All this is unlawful under Arnold's bill. The only thing I'm confused about is how exactly Arnold proposes the police go about arresting Zeus. We all know how to get a hold of the Devil in Mississippi — you go out to the crossroads at midnight with your guitar, like Ralph Macchio — but how do you bring the King of the Greek Gods in? Do you just hang out at a frat house until he shows up? Plus he's got thunderbolts. What SWAT team is getting near him?

At the very least, I'm picturing the greatest episode of Cops ever. So good luck with that, Mississippi, and thanks for proposing something stupider than what we've got going on here. Now let's just hope the national media catch wind of this, cover Yazoo out the wazoo, and let the Delta's densest knock our legislators out of the idiot spotlight.

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