by Steven Hale
In the wake of President Barack Obama's re-election, citizens in all 50 of these (for now) United States have started petitions on the White House website calling for their particular state to secede from the union. Perhaps you've heard.
Tennessee's has been particularly popular, garnering over 27,000 signatures as of this writing and surpassing the 25,000 signature threshold to trigger a White House response. (We're expecting something slightly more direct than Gov. Bill Haslam's characteristically stuck-in-the-middle response to the phenomenon.)
But as it turns out, there are plenty of other minor populist uprisings represented on the We The People section of the White House site. After the jump, a roundup of ten of the best (or worst, or most interesting, most shocking, or whatever suits you) petitions not calling for secession. Some are serious, some more eccentric. As with retweets, inclusion on this list does not necessarily represent an endorsement by the Scene. But it might.
1. Force all states to pay their portion of the national debt before they can secede from the union
Residents of all states who wish to secede from the union should be required to take their own advice about 'personal responsibility', and pay their share of the national debt before being released to fend for themselves.
This debt must be paid in full, or they cannot leave.
This means no federal assistance, period.
Abridged list includes no more upkeep for highways, nor for interstates or bridges, no federally funded law enforcement or fire department, no public libraries, no phone lines, no cable television, no cell phone towers, no power grids, no water lines, no mail services, no paramedics, no hospitals which accept Medicare/Medicaid funding, no ATF, FBI, DOJ, SWAT, or Department of Homeland Security, no Border Guard, National Guard, Coast Guard, Corps of Engineers, or WITSEC.
2. Peacefully grant the University of Illinois Chief Illiniweck back as the school mascot
Chief Illiniwek was a symbol of the University of Illinois, and gave recognition to the Native American tribes of Illinois. Getting rid of this mascot is erasing a heroic and symbolic figure of utmost importance to Illinois history.
3. Endorse Johnny Manziel, also known as "Johnny Football," for the 2012 Heisman Memorial Trophy Award.
WHEREAS Johnny Manziel, also known as "Johnny Football" has ushered in an age of collegiate football in America the likes of which we have never seen; and
WHEREAS Johnny Football has overseen the meteoric rise of Texas A&M in its first year in the SEC, in the first year of the Kevin Sumlin era; and
WHEREAS Johnny Football has statistically dominated all collegiate competition with his play on the field; and
WHERAS the Heisman Memorial Trophy Award is to be granted to the "most outstanding player in collegiate football" and makes no qualifications regarding classification;
NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED THAT:
The Office of the President of the United States, and indeed the whole of the free world, endorses Johnny Manziel for the 2012 Heisman Trophy. Gig'em Aggies.
4. Have President Obama Do The Hokey Pokey
We feel that in this time of despair, that President Obama should do the Hokey Pokey on national television during a special Presidential Address to the nation. As a show of bipartisanship, President Obama should lead with his right foot. After all, that's what it's all about.
5. Recount the election!
It has become blatantly obvious the voter fraud that was committed during the 2012 Presidential elections. In one county alone in Ohio, which was a battleground state, President Obama received 106,258 votes...but there were only 98,213 eligible voters. It's not humanly possible to get 108% of the vote!
If ID laws had been enforced (which the administration is completely against because that meant they would lose) then this wouldn't be an issue.
6. Stop the drone strikes
Stop the authorization of the drone strikes in the Middle East that kill nearly fifty civilians for every terrorist suspect. Stop making America an assassin of innocent children. End the practice of counting every adult male in the area as an enemy combatant.
7. Remove tax-exempt status enjoyed by the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society
Remove that tax-exempt status enjoyed by the Washington state based Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. The group is headed by Paul Watson a man wanted by Costa Rica, Japan, jumped bail in Germany, and arrest warrants issued by INTERPOL.
Under the leadership of the Paul Watson the organization’s vessels in the Southern Ocean harass and cause damage to the Japanese whaling fleet.
The USA enjoys a favorable opinion by the government and people of Japan. In this 21st century it is rare for the USA to enjoy this level of support by both the government and people of a nation. Japan has proven to be a trusted friend an ally who does not deserve to have a USA based organization enjoying tax exempt status that by their actions is causing harm to this trusted relationship.
8. Make Election Day a Federal Holiday in an effort to increase voter accessibility and promote democratic culture
This is a petition to make Election Day a Federal Holiday, which would help accomplish a variety of objectives to promote the state of democracy. First, it would promote the ability of Americans to vote by eliminating the pressures and constraints of the workday. This could be especially beneficial in preventing long lines late in the day, which can impede the process and dissuade voters from participating. Second, it would help create an environment which celebrates democracy on one of the most important days for our nation. This holiday could also be combined with Veterans Day during election years as a way to highlight the indelible impact that our veterans have had on our nation by both protecting and promoting the principles of democracy domestically and across the globe.
9. We request that Obama be impeached for the following reasons
We request that Barack Obama be impeached for the following reasons.
1. He proclaimed war in libya without getting congress approval first. Article I, Section 8- Only congress can approve to start war.
2. Obamacare is unconstitutional. Forcing US citizens to get health insurance whether they want it or not.
3. Obama disrespects our Constitution calling it flawed and trying to change it even after taking this oath:
"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States,
and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."
4. Appointing agency “czars” without Senate approval.
10. Federally Legalize Marijuana
Colorado's amendment 64 just passed, as did Initiative 502 in Washington. Marijuana prohibition is gradually becoming a thing of the past, and simply needs one final push. Alcohol prohibition turned out to be more harm than good in the early 1900's, and marijuana prohibition is recreating the same situation. The bottom line is that marijuana prohibition enforcement costs the government 13.7 billion dollars annually, and puts well over 500,000 people in jail every year (sources cited below).
11. Make Batman Secretary of Defense
I would like the crime fighter known as Batman to be the Secretary of Defense.
UPDATE: Sadly, the White House has taken down some of the petitions involving college football mascots, children's dances, and fictitious crime fighters. If someone starts a petition to stop the White House from taking down petitions, please send us the link.