Ghost of Tennessean Laments, 'I Used to Be Cooler'

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The atrophied, withered husk of the once-great news-gathering organization known as The Tennessean suffered another journalistic hemorrhage today with a story and interactive map chronicling Nashville hipsters.

Atop the Local & Business section of today's paper, clear as crystal, the city's paper of record wastes precious ink delineating the preciousness of the city's cultural bourgeoisie, their migration patterns and where they like to dispense their discretionary income — like so many articles of its type that have come before it, and will come again.

We refuse to link to the article in question on general principle — the Gannett beast requires page hits, not revelatory insight, muckraking righteousness or anything else that old, uncool people might think newspapers should really busy themselves with — so here's the synopsis instead: Travel and Leisure magazine ranked Nashville 19 out of the nation's top 20 supposed hipster meccas, including Portland, Austin and ... well, who gives a shit, right? It's filler, and yet one more hipster-focused article in a slew of approximately 1,030 articles published in the last year that contained the word "hipster," according to Nexis.

The Tennessean even spent time creating a custom Google map so you can track the businesses that hipsters frequent. Because that's what you want, right? At a time when industry veterans are getting bought out and sold down the river, Gannett sees fit to pay the left-behinds to dick around on Google maps. Oh, where and how do I invest my money?

In any case, it's hilarious. Click on a bowler/fedora icon and read about Brown's Diner: "When hipsters want burgers and are across the river from their homeland, this is where they go." Click on a book icon and discover that "hipsters like to stay educated by taking obscure artisan classes at the Brick Factory Nashville." All that's missing is Jack White's spooky goddamned head floating over the screen like that paperclip from Microsoft Office, telling you which public restrooms he's defecated in across Davidson County. This is what you'll be paying for once that pay wall kicks in.

So, in honor of this beautiful train wreck, Pith & friends have compiled a list titled "Where to find Tennessean reporters." (Sorry folks, no fancy map here)

1100 Broadway: Where the "magic" happens. And by "magic," we of course mean existential dread.

Government buildings: When the going gets weird, the weird turn public relations (and collect a larger salary).

Chamber of Commerce: Where stories are pre-packaged and hand-delivered to make their jobs easier in the fast-paced 21st century.

Liquor stores: Nothing eases Gannett-induced existential dread quite like a handle (or two) of grain alcohol.

Can you think of any other places we might have missed?

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