The Tennessean: Rapture Comes Early for Cleveland Sports Fans

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A headline from yesterdays Tennessean
  • A headline from yesterday's Tennessean
As I'm sure most of you know, the world as we know it will come to an end tomorrow, May 21. That's when 200 million people will be Raptured up to heaven, and the rest of us will endure five months of torment and torture until Oct. 21, when the universe will be destroyed.

And according to yesterday's Tennessean, it appears that God is sending a message to Cleveland sports fans — the longest-suffering sports fans alive, who've had to endure The Drive, The Shot, The Move, The Fumble, The Decision, Red Right 88. For all of their unfathomable bad luck and misery, God is giving all of them a free pass and delivering them to heaven, like Moses delivering the Israelites out of Egypt.

You see, after the aforementioned Decision, the Cleveland Cavaliers finished with a 19-63 record this year — the second-worst in the NBA. Yet they have somehow miraculously appeared in the playoffs — the Eastern Conference finals, no less, and they've tied the series! What else could it mean? It's got to be a sign, right? I was born and raised in Cleveland, and am a lifelong Cleveland sports fan, so I'm saved!

Either that, or the Tennessean staffer who wrote the headline for this AP wire story saw the name "LeBron James" and didn't know that James left Cleveland last year and took his talents to Miami in the most publicized sports defection of all time. Which is more likely the case, since the story itself has the details correct. Sorry, Cleveland sports fans. No free passes. Better get right with God in a hurry. You've got less than 24 hours.

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