Republican Foot-Stomping: A National Concern

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(Photoshop H/T: D. Ricky Rodriguez)
  • (Photoshop H/T: D. Ricky Rodriguez)
Gawping at the national infighting going on within the GOP has led to many emotions: embarrassment (on their behalf), engagement, and good old-fashioned schadenfreude are but a few. The bare bones issue is this: social conservatives and small-government conservatives really have no business belonging to the same party. The basic ethos of one is pretty much the opposite of the other, and it works both ways. They've done a pretty good job of denying this contradiction for quite a number of years, but as we all know, a compromise leaves everyone unhappy! The narrative for the past few months has been Teabaggers vs. Jesus Freaks vs. Everyone Else, with Rush playing the role of self-appointed referee. I both pity and condemn the sane, silent majority (heh) of the Republicans for letting those teeth-gnashers turn their beloved Party of Lincoln into little more than a flailing, incompetent joke. I have a solution! Leave the party. A bombastic split between the fiscal, social, and moderate conservatives would be patriotic; in fact, splits and offshoots are a forgotten American Tradition. They wouldn't even have to make up new parties! I've done some cursory digging and found a few third and dead parties that should soon see their numbers swell. Let's get reductive! Constitution Party: These guys have a pretty basic platform. They're against abortion and euthanasia (but love the death penalty); advocate heavy-handed immigration reform, reducing the role of the federal government, and, uh, acknowledging Jesus Christ as the Creator. Why are they not Republicans? They are not huge fans of Team America: World Police. You're welcome, uncompromising theists! Democratic-Republicans: Yes. What eventually evolved into the modern Democratic Party used to be all about states' rights, low federal spending, strict Constitutional interpretation and (lol) anti-elitism. You're welcome, most Republicans! Know-Nothings: Ooh, they hate a Catholic immigrant. Used to be those Catholics came from dirty places like Ireland and Germany, but now they come from dirty places like the rest of the Americas. You're welcome, nativist Protestant racists! Dixiecrats: Old-school Thurmond-loving Southerners who felt that all that pesky civil rights shit was getting in the way of, you know, being crazy racist assholes. You're welcome, disconcertingly large swaths of white America! Know what? I'll help out discontented Democrats, too.Try one of these: Socialist Workers Party, Socialist Party of the United States of America, Socialist Equality Party, World Socialist Party of the United States, Socialist Action, and Socialist Party USA (check your local listings!). You're welcome, godless Commies!

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