PETA and Harpeth High Science Teacher Argue Merits of Donkey Basketball, Miss Point Entirely

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Look how much fun they're BOTH having! So here's the situation: Harpeth High in Kingston Springs is holding a game of donkey basketball on November 17th. For those unawares, donkey basketball is exactly what it sounds like: basketball with the added "thrill" of riding on a burro. Upon hearing of Harpeth's plans, PETA, the long-tendriled protector of animals worldwide, decided to intervene (here's where you look shocked), urging their many contributors to send the school's principal a sternly worded e-mail that they, helpfully, had already written. The campaign was a success in that it clogged the principal's inbox with nearly 700 e-mails. It wasn't a success, however, if you consider that Harpeth is still planning to raise money for its wrestling team by having students ride around on pissed off farmhands. OK, so we'll acknowledge that PETA picks fights like this every day. And we'll acknowledge that the group is perceived, in some circles, as extremist nutbags. We'll further acknowledge that this is precisely the kind of intractable debate that will NEVER BE SETTLED. So let's look at this issue from a different angle, shall we? School fundraisers should be held to only three standards: 1 Do they raise money? 2 Do they somehow involve humiliation of a teacher/principal/guidance counselor/proxy authority figure? 3 (most important) Are they fun? Judging by these minimal standards, donkey basketball is a failure. If you watch videos like the one below (Warning: Obnoxious music, turn your sound down) it's clear that not only is donkey basketball not fun for the exploited animals, it's not even fun for the kids doing the exploiting! That, my friends, is a crappy fundraising model. PETA, Harpeth -- they're both wrong. Everyone knows that the best way to separate a kid from his/her hard-earned money is the dunk tank. Give them a ball, a small target to aim at, and a 50 percent chance of dunking their Bio teacher and the wrestling team will be able to afford the best cauliflower-ear preventative headwear money can buy. Also, no one will get bucked onto hardwood. Double-win.

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