Eagles fans wear their alcoholism proudly. But are they the NFL's most hammered? (Photo courtesy of Frants photography)
The NFL season’s quarter mark is upon us, which means fans across the nation are preparing to spend the final months locked in a fierce battle with their internal organs, testing the limits of consciousness, heckling incoherently, and fighting with their fellow man over their admiration for the wrong-colored laundry.
But which team's fans are the most tanked of all? Through careful research, we've picked winners(?) in all eight divisions, wild card teams, conference champions and a Super Bowl Champion of Hammeredness. Why? Because football is America's game, and there's nothing Americans are more devoted to than getting really hammered in parking lots. Preferably shirtless. Alas, our early prediction is that the Titans don't make the hammered guy playoffs, since the polite crowds at LP feel a little too much like they mistakenly showed up expecting a golf match. -- Joe ToneAFC EastDivision Champion: Buffalo Bills
Scouting Report: They might be losing their team to Canada, but they'll lose their livers first.
Go-to beverage(s): Molson, Canadian Club.
AFC WestDivision Champion: Oakland Raiders
Scouting report: This was close between Oakland and Denver, which was recently ranked the drunkest city in America. But we went with the Raiders, because we were afraid what would happen to Denver if we didn't.
Go-to beverage(s): King Cobra, meth.
AFC NorthDivision Champions: Cleveland Browns
Scouting report: Welcome to the Muni Lot. Please check your coherence at the gate.
Go-to beverages: Whatever's on sale at Giant Eagle.
AFC SouthDivision Champion: Houston Texans
Scouting report: So wasted they listen to Limp Bizkit.
Go-to beverage(s): Budweiser.
AFC Wild Card Pittsburgh Steelers
Scouting report: Even on the road, and in the face of calls for their tasering, Steelers fans stay focused.
Go-to beverage(s): Whatever they can steal from Browns fans' coolers after Browns fans pass out.
AFC Wild Card New England Patriots
Scouting report: Not only veteran drunks, but oddly reliable in the kicking game.
Go-to beverage(s): Sam Adam's Holier Than Thou Ale, now with 13 percent more asshole.
NFC EastDivision Champion: Philadelphia Eagles
Scouting report: Sorry, Redskins fans, but the Eagles fans got hammered enough to make several decent-looking women pretend to like football, and this video montage was getting a little dude-heavy.
Go-to beverage: Bud Light, preferably in glass bottles, which shatter more easily after yet another heartbreaking playoff loss.
NFC NorthDivision Champion: Detroit Lions
Scouting Report: Not even freezing rain can slow down Lions fans. It can, however, make them look like morons.
Go-to beverage(s): Anything they can drink through their paper-bag masks.
NFC SouthDivision Champion: New Orleans Saints
Scouting Report: By being hammered and shirtless the entire year, Saints fans ensure they don't drunkenly forget to tailgate.
Go-to beverage(s): Hurricanes. But, yes, you can call them Slurricanes.
NFC WestDivision Champion: Seattle Seahawks
Scouting report: Not that hammered, but helped by the fact that they're the only team in the division. Aren't they?
Go-to beverages: Tall vente frap with an extra shot of heartbreak.
NFC Wild Card Chicago Bears
Scouting report: An excellent road team. And they can spell!
Go-to beverage(s): Polish sausage
NFC Wild Card Washington Redskins
Scouting report: The famed Dead Tree Crew appears to do enough drinking for the entire FedEx parking lot. Also, the crew's mayor, seen here, is a leading candidate for the league's Most Douchiest Douchebag award. Which is unrelated, really, but we thought we should throw it out there.
Go-to beverage(s): Crown Royal.
NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles
Anyone who can plan an outing to Hooters in this condition is a champion in our book.
AFC Champ Buffalo Bills
Makes sense, really. What the hell else is there to do in Buffalo?
Superbowl Champion of Hammeredness Buffalo Bills
The exchange at the 1:15 mark says it best: "You know this guy?" "Yeah." "He's off the hook!" And, yes, he is.