Spurgeon's General Warning: Meritless David Bowie Speculation

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via Etsy, obviously
  • via Etsy, obviously
David Bowie, aka David Robert Jones, aka Nicola Tesla, aka Glammaster Flash, has a new record coming out. I can hear your wheels turning already: “Great! Does this mean he will tour, and perhaps perform at Bonnaroo?” I don’t know that, but it sure is fun to imagine. My life is little more than a series of long-running, deeply improbably fantasies, and below are three songs/scenarios I'm hoping will happen at this year's festival if my baseless and unconfirmed speculation comes to pass:

“Life on Mars?”

My No. 1 dream song of this so far speculative Bonnaroo performance. Can you imagine if everyone in attendance knew all the words and jumped in to sing “Saaaaailors fighting in the dance hall” at the exact same time? Oh man. OH MAN.

Also, guys? Also? How about that we live in a time that there is probably proof that there was life on Mars? What if David Bowie makes an announcement right before performing this song like, “We have some special guests tonight,” and NASA scientists appear onscreen to confirm it first, and then we all cheer and cry and then the song starts?

My imagination is why I’m almost always disappointed by real life.


“Under Pressure”

I will personally track down and incapacitate that Buster Poindexter-lookin’ fun. motherfucker if he even thinks about it. Acceptable Freddies:

- Reanimated Freddie (that would go over even better than the NASA stuff)
- Hologram Freddie
- Me, after I fall down and bump my head and magically gain singing abilities
- Kate Middleton
- Iman

This is the unlikeliest of all unlikely scenarios so far, but if it does happen, it will probably solve homelessness once and for all.


“Heroes”

Can you imagine the fireworks display that could accompany “Heroes?” I can, and I’m already choked up. Butterflies appear from nowhere. Somewhere, deep on the knoll, a child is born. The baby crowd surfs up to stage, protected by butterfly wings and happiness, and is blessed by David Bowie. We vote that child our leader, and the first Decree from Awesome Baby is that everyone gets home safely. What a cool baby.

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