Your Opinion Is Wrong: How To Love America and Hate Sports [Olympics Edition]



The only way I can think to preface this week’s column is this: I don’t give a shit about the Olympics.* Don’t get me wrong — yay, America. I hope we win all the contests. However, at the end of the day, it’s just sports to me, and my dad ruined that (along with the entire concept of competition) for me long before Olympic Fever could find me.

Furthermore, since my column concerns mostly music, as far as sports are concerned, they probably should have been included in one of my early pieces on rock 'n' roll’s biggest enemies. Whether directly or indirectly, when sports and music collide, rarely anybody wins. From sappy, pseudo-inspirational Olympic anthems to the “Super Bowl Shuffle” to aerobic workout mixtapes, music specifically for athletic purposes for some reason embodies everything terrible music can be, and is made even worse by everything terrible that is already sports. Occasionally athletes themselves attempt to step up to the mic, resulting in humiliating career choices involving rapping genies.

Even great music created without the interference of jocks is often commandeered by Hollywood and/or sports organizations to create overplayed bleacher anthems like “Rock 'n' Roll pt. II,” “We Will Rock You” and “Eye of the Tiger.” This is still never a good thing. It makes great songs intolerable by association and gives shitty songs like “Who Let the Dogs Out” the undeserved curse of eternal life.

However, in the spirit of the Olympics, I’m going to stay as positive as I can and give you the five great songs about sports that I can think of right now.

7 Seconds, "I Hate Sports"

This song pretty much sums up everything I’ve felt about sports since I was 10. That said, when stage-diving becomes an Olympic event, I might consider getting cable.

The Olympics, "Shimmy Like Kate"

Not literally sports-related, but this is the only way I can claim to love The Olympics without lying.

John Fogerty, "Centerfield"

Believe it or not, I actually did play basketball for the YMCA for one season. It was incredibly boring and this song rattled through my head a great deal of the time I sat on the bench waiting on my chance to fail. Bonus points for the electro-hand-claps intro.

Carl Douglas, "Kung Fu Fighting"?

What time are the Kung Fu Olympics on?

James Kochalka Superstar/The Zambonies, “Hockey Monkey”

A sure-fire way to spark my interest in anything I’m vehemently against? Throw a monkey in there. I’m yours.

* Editor's Note: The Olympics fucking rule.

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