by Adam Gold
OK, seriously America, what the fuck is THIS Mickey Mouse shit?
Anyone who saw the abhorrent and unforgivable Super Bowl XXXV Halftime Show in 2001 knows that not only do Aerosmith and Britney Spears (and ‘N Sync) not mix, but Aerosmith and football just don’t mix. As if that wasn’t already established, at yesterday’s Patriots-Ravens playoff game in Foxboro, Mass., Aerosmith singer, American Idol judge and all-around corporate whore Steven Tyler reinforced his contempt for both the game and for America with a rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” that borders an act of sedition, musically speaking.
Seriously. Tyler is singing like he’s doing an impression of a cat meeting its fate in Gummo. That might be fine and dandy (actually, it’s not) when he’s singing “Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)” for a stadium full of suckers who’ve bought into the myth that Aerosmith is a cool, classic rock band. But, and to sound stodgy, our national anthem probably deserves to be caterwauled with at least some degree of propriety, doncha think?
The fact that Tyler’s committing this act of tactless, tasteless insubordination is made all the more ironic by the fact that he’s doing so at the behest of a team calling itself The Patriots. Alexander Hamilton was a patriot. And when Steven Tyler lets out a pig’s squeal at the end of singing (?) “land of the free,” he homages Hamilton’s legacy by doing an impression of what his scream must have sounded like when Aaron Burr shot him. (Too soon?)
And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that when Tyler finally finishes gouging America’s heart out with the proverbial post-hole digger that is his gaping, open mouth, the crowd filling the tiers of Gillette Stadium responds with a deafening cheer. Now, living in Boston twice taught me that Massholes will maintain an allegiance to anything their godforsaken state yields. And we all know that Steven Tyler is one of the state’s favorite sons. But let us not forget, we’re talking about a state that also sent Mitt “Magic Underwear” Romney to the governor’s mansion while I lived there. And speaking of Mitt Romney and Boston, Boston has lots of colleges. Kids take SATs to get into college. SATs have a fun analogies section. I just came up with a good analogy. See if you can get it right.
Aerosmith is to understanding rock ’n’ roll as …
A) Peanuts are to peanut butter
B) Apples are to apple butter
C) Mitt Romney is to understanding what it’s like to live on the streets
D) All of the above
If you answered C (Mitt Romney is to understanding what it’s like to live on the streets), then congratulations, you’re right, and definitely not from Massachusetts.