Spurgeon's General Warning: More Rock Stars in Swimsuits

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Rock star junkyard pt. 2.
  • Rock star junkyard pt. 2.
Like it says in Psalms 32:4, “It’s hot, and you need a pool.” August is still trying to kill us all, and there’s nothing you can do except sit and wait for Demeter to mourn Persephone’s descent into Hades, which is how seasons happen, I’m pretty sure. In the meantime, why don’t you crawl into a swimsuit and sit on top of a sprinkler in your neighbor’s yard?

Or better yet, don’t. It’s Body Issues Week over at "Spurgeon’s General Warning," and what you are about to see may shock, fascinate or intimidate you. That’s right, down below we’ve got super hott images of our moral, physical and cultural betters: rock stars. Try not to compare yourself. It won’t end well.

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I really don’t know what to say. David Bowie’s apparently got a massive cock and now we all know about it. It’s not enough that he’s a creative genius respected and/or beloved by nearly everyone, it’s not enough that he’s got one of the handsomest faces pop music has ever seen, it’s not enough that Iman is still his wife and still looks like this. Nope, let’s throw in a dick so big it could almost literally be described as “gut busting.” MOVING ON.

no_doubt_swimsuit.jpg

When I was 11 years old in 1996, I had a subscription to Teen Magazine and was very excited to read an interview with newly famous cover model Gwen Stefani. I can’t recall a single thing she said about music, but she did say she needed to do a lot more crunches because her stomach was too big. I vividly remember this, 15 years later.

Look at the picture again. Gwen Stefani is a beautiful woman, and in no rational world would it be appropriate for her to feel ashamed about her body, or think it was cool to share that shame with a magazine targeted at girls young enough to need columns that answer the ever-pressing question, “Can I get pregnant through my belly button?” (A: No, because you’re too fat.) But we do not live in a rational world, and Gwen Stefani gave me an eating disorder.*

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Rock stars: They’re just like us! Check out poor ol’ Keith Richards, sucking it in around sexier bandmate Brian Jones. Who’s the cool one in this photo? Not the guy cautiously eyeing that beefier set of abs while trying to broaden his shoulders with imaginary muscles. Of course, Brian Jones is dead and Keith Richards has perfected his physique through a half-century of the finest drugs money can buy. Now who’s the fat one? (Still Keith Richards, because a skeleton is thinner than a living person.)

*Gwen Stefani did not give me an eating disorder.

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