by Adam Gold
It probably doesn’t come as a Crying Game-worthy shocker that none of us here Creamers decided to don the cloak of Spin-i-tude and head down to Avenged Sevenfold’s quasi-heavy-metal-what-have-you at Bridgestone Arena Friday night. Sure, it would’ve been funny (maybe), but not nearly as funny as the video above capturing an unidentified metalcore (?) band covering A7x's pretty ditty “Unholy Confessions” ... and butchering it. Mercilessly.
While Friday night’s show would’ve been funny for five minutes at best, this video is worth a lifetime of laughs. Really. It isn’t only the hands-down funniest found footage of failed musicianship (to use a term loosely) I’ve seen since Complete (aka CMPT0, but perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Period. Just think Attack! Attack! meets The Shaggs meets a tank top. By the way, hearing this is what it took to get Crash Test Dummies' “Mmm Mmm Mmm” out of my head.
Now, you might get, like, 30 or 40 seconds into the clip and say to yourself, “Ha, I get it,” and then move on, don’t. The payoffs are worth enduring the trauma. But in case impatience gets the best of you, I’ve Cliffs-Noted the clip for you — time-stamping my favorite moments, with commentary, after the jump.
Thanks to The Clutters’ Doug Lehmann and Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg for bringing this into my life.
0:18: The most self-conscious, forced fist-pump since Vanilla Ice went on The Arsenio Hall Show.
0:25: The sound a 7-year-old makes when stepping barefoot on a bumblebee.
0:35: "Richa-whicha-bitch inna-chee-ba-chow wown-yow freedowww!!!!"
0:48: Freddie Mercury freeze-frame.
1:00: For fuck’s sake, will someone please get that guy some WD-40.
1:22: When he brought that kid up onstage, it was like he brought us all onstage. And it was mortifying.
1:33: Give the drummer some … or don’t.
2:19: Lost Guitar Hero points come to life.
2:44: False, false harmonic.
2:52: And this is where it all ends. Oh, the humility!
3:04: Oh, well maybe not. Q: “What a gagortion?” A: These guys.
3:44: Would you run away too?
Seriously? They need to sack that singer and replace him with a real bandleader. Like this guy: