by Adam Gold
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I should've known better than to have ever gotten my hopes up, thinking some twist of fate could stop those convalescent cockroaches of rock Aerosmith. If you're a regular Cream reader then you know I'd rather swan-dive into an active volcano than hear a new Aerosmith record or attend one of the artistic sacrifice rituals they call an Aerosmith concert. A few months back I expressed my disdain for the band and speculated about who they would cast to replace singer Steven Tyler in the wake of his sudden departure. Turns out Joe Perry and his sad posse of Social Security check-collectors have settled on Tyler's replacement: Steven fucking Tyler.
Yesterday the band posted the video above on their official YouTube channel. For me, watching it is not too different from the feeling of watching a video of Osama Bin Laden issuing his latest fatwa. According to their press, Aerosmith are back and ready to "embark on the ultimate music event of the new decade" -- the Cocked, Locked and Ready to Rock tour -- which will traverse the U.K. and Europe like a Nazi bombing campaign in World War II.
So, we couldn't even go one year without an active Aerosmith. Feel free to make futile attempts at convincing me there's a God in the comments section.