by Adam Gold
In life, it's important to have dreams. For example: It was always my dream to spend my days languishing in a cubicle doing data entry and blogging about a city that doesn't even have a fucking coastline. I'm a success! You see, it's important to set attainable goals. Most parents will tell their kids they can do anything. Astronaut? Done. Model? Done. Rockstar? Done. Meth-addicted prostitute? Done. The simple truth is most people can't accomplish shit and their dreams are totally solipsistic and laughably lofty to begin with. If you're in tears now, I'm sorry, but don't shoot the messenger.
Take for example the plight of 107.5 The River's Intern Adam--who we thought had been dumped from the station last year when he leaked 40 seconds of a Britney Spears song. Dude's goal--or as he calls it, a "pitiful plea"--in life is to be a guest on the Ellen show. Yawn. As an intern (unpaid, I hope) at a station that brings Satan's personal playlist to Nashville on a daily basis, he's taken his campaign viral with the expectation of getting something simply because he wants it.
Personally, I'm tired of having to suffer the endeavors of talentless fucks who feel justified in bringing their talentlessness to the world because they were inspired by seeing other talentless fucks such as the killing-spree-inducing balloon boy family, Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, Chris Crocker, Ryan Seacrest or any other celebutard that makes you wanna open up your veins in the bathtub ascending to household-name status in the amount of time it takes to listen to an Anal Cunt record. This lot should hopelessly demoralize anyone who has an education beyond an eighth-grade level, not inspire them. Oh how lucky we are to have one of these budding in our midst.
The proclaimed reason why Intern Adam wants to go on Ellen is to "represent the town without cowboy boots and belt buckles." Seriously, no thank you! On his website adamonellen.com, he even pitches the idea of becoming the show's Nashville correspondent because--as he tells Ellen in an open letter on the site--Nashville "has A listers here...Nicole Kidman, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Paramore, and [their] mutual friend Kellie Pickler. As well as a few awards shows!"
(Side note: What's with all the awards shows? This really is the most self-congratulatory town ever. It's pathetic.)
Ellen, if you're reading this, I also recommend logging on to internadamsucks.com for some perspective. Adam goes on to declare himself the "only hipster kid at work"--I do believe that, but considering where he works, who cares?
I wouldn't feel like ranting about this if I didn't actually think dude had a shot of accomplishing something with this. Seriously, watch an episode of MTV's The Hills and then think back to that annoying correspondent that used to do street interviews on the Jay Leno version of The Tonight Show and start shaking in your boots at the thought of this guy culturally representing you. If any of you out there are bored and would like to do this city a favor, call Adam over at the station--615-664-2400, and they can even direct you to his cell--and tell him that desperation called and they want their definition back.