Ten Things I Learned When Reading People's Press Release Regarding Brad Paisley's New(ish) Baby

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1. Brad Paisley and his wife have two children, both sons. His wife has a hyphenated last name like a classy modern lady.

2. They wanted a "literary" name for their first son (now 2) and selected William Huckleberry, which is way more celebrityish than William Finn, William Sawyer, or William Flannery O'Connor.

3. That son inspired Paisley's song "Huckleberry Jam," a song I have never heard. I can only assume it's about turning his baby into a delicious breakfast spread.

4. Brad Paisley's new son is named Jasper Warren, after the rock. And Brad Paisley's late grandfather, which is nice.

5. Jasper is "easygoing." Jasper is five months old.

6. I like William Huckleberry way more than I like Jasper.

7. William Huckleberry once asked if Jesus played the banjo. Ha! Stupid baby. Jesus plays the theremin. Jasper is my new favorite.

8. The Paisley family does not have a nanny. I will be your nanny, Brad Paisley! You are the hottest country musician since 1960s Merle Haggard.

9. Ms. Williams-Paisley is working on a young adult novel. I hope it's about Jesus playing the banjo and turning babies into jam.

10. The Paisley family seems very nice and very boring. They are probably glad no one died this week and bumped them to a corner.

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