We Might Suck at Football but We Can Write the Fuck Out of Some Songs!

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So MTSU, in its never ending quest to produce over-educated food service workers, has announced a new concentration for the increasingly irrelevant Recording Industry Management program: Commercial Songwriting! That's right kids, for just $2,639 plus the cost of books, materials, special course fees and your soul, you, too, can learn to write songs that—statistically speaking—will never-ever-ever make you any money. What a deal! Don't get me wrong, I love my alma mater dearly (sometimes) and the RIM program has some of the coolest professors anywhere in the world, but going to college to write songs seems counterintuitive. The best songs are generated from genuine life experience out in the great big scary world, not pulling bong rips in Scarlet Commons and scoring munchies at Davis Market. Sure, there's enough chaos and disorder in Bucket City that you can find yourself up to yer short 'n' curlies with drama before you realize what hits ya, but is it really the type of situation that will produce the universally recognizable emotional responses that a commercial song elicits? I can just imagine some of the songs that'll be on the commemorative 50th anniversary Super-Audio-Dual-Layer-DV-Mp3000—it'll be a non-stop party mix with hits such as: "The Sir Pizza Guy Smells Like Weed" "Hey McPhee, Get Your Hands off That Lady's Booty" "Dear God, Bingham (You Still Live Here?)" "All the Bars Here Suck (And the Cops Are in Our Living Room Again)" "We Swear to God Our Mascot Isn't a Reference to Confederate Army Suicide Bombers" "A Pegasus Named Lightning? (You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me)" "Please, Please, Please (Let Us Stay in Division 1A)" "We Have the Best Recording Program In the World (but We Can't Book an on-Campus Concert to Save Our Fucking Life)" "Just My Imagination (Thinkin' I Might Get a Job After Graduation)" "Better Piss on This Obelisk (If We Want to Make It Out Alive)" But who knows, maybe the John Bragg Mass Communications building will be the next Brill Building cranking out hit after poptastic hit. Stranger things have happened.

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