In spite of all the hot TV trash I willingly consume like a Spirited Away garbage ghost, I have never actually watched (Strictly Come) Dancing With the Stars. It’s not that I’m above competition shows, or human beings degrading themselves, or dancing, or an ever-widening notion of "celebrity." It’s that I’m above all of those things combined. Nevertheless, I am not above rambling assessments of people I've barely heard of, so check out this year's contestants below:
Aly Raisman: I have no idea who this is, but the official ABC site informs me she “captained the U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team to its first team gold medal since the 1996 Olympic Games.” Athletes shouldn’t even be allowed on this show, as they have proved themselves capable of coordination.
Andy Dick: Andy Dick is a sentient line of cocaine you found sitting atop a public urinal. It is believed by some that he was the unwitting catalyst for the eventual murder of the much-beloved Phil Hartman, so much so that Jon Lovitz beat him up for it. I had to interview him once. He seemed lonely.
D.L. Hughley: For some reason I feel like he’s too successful for this show, even though I have never seen him in anything, to my knowledge.
Dorothy Hamill: She falls into the “athlete” category again, but she’s also 56 years old, locking down DWtS’ coveted “middle-aged lady” demographic.
Ingo Rademacher: His bio indicates that he has a child named Peanut, so fuck this guy.
Jacoby Jones: A football player, not local musician Jacob Jones. He appears to have a watch tattooed on his chest. Bold.
Kellie Pickler: At first I thought, “Isn’t she also too successful for this show?” but then realized I was thinking about Carrie Underwood. She obviously has the Nashville connection going, but Nashville is not a dancing city. Beware, Kellie.
Lisa Vanderpump: Lisa Vanderpump is a seasoned garbage television vet, and is arguably the most capable of all the contestants at playing the reality TV game. But DWtS is still ostensibly about dancing. Double but: Does anyone care?
Victor Ortiz: “Victor Ortiz is a living, breathing example of the American dream.” YAWN. Why don’t you go dance at the bootstrap factory, Mr. Feelgood?
Wynonna Judd: The Juddiest of all the Judds, Wynonna is waaaay more Nashville than Pickler, if you’re choosing favorites by turf, and if you are, what is this, a gang? Get some extra mileage out of those "Free Winona" T-shirts, context be damned.
Anyway, Dancing with the Stars. “Let’s dance!” *
* Imagined catchphrase for DWtS