Nashville Recap: 'Be Careful of the Stones You Throw'



Laser Eyes Deacon
  • Laser Eyes Deacon

Christmas break, eh? You know what else is broken, now, in Nashville? RELATIONSHIPS. Rayna's weird marriage. Juliette's weirder marriage. Scarlett's whatever. What happened? Read on:

Zoom! Fade! Laugh! Mix! Sing! Rayna's in the studio recording that massive hit duet, but Juliette has not appeared. Connie Britton earns her Emmy with a drawn-out "Whuuuut?" re: that hussy's lateness. Rayna lets Teddy know that she is going on tour and taking the kids with her. Ted counters with "Elections!" as if one spouse's egotism is more valid than the other's. She is not taking the girls without a fight. Teddy makes the huge mistake of telling Tandy, the worst, who tells Lamar, the best.

In fact, Tandy and Lamar are waiting for Rayna at her own breakfast nook in her own house, like a couple of hired goons. Lamar threatens to out the paternity of one of the kids to Teddy, because that's what fathers do. Good fathers, anyway. But guess what? When she heads over to Teddy's office and finds him there with Lamar, she tells Teddy about the threats because Teddy already knows he is NOT the father. This is the most boring episode of Maury ever. Now Teddy is mad at Lamar. "Thanks for standing up to daddy," which is a really disturbing conversation for a 40-something married couple to have.

Anyway everyone's unhappy and their marriage is basically over. Good thing the tour is the perfect cover!

Post-wedding limo sex with football dummy, oooops she forgot to go to the recording studio! "Can you take me to the studio, driver?" "Yes ma'am," he replies, full of shame and embarrassment, just trying to earn a living for his family. At the studio, Rayna says she wants to start a tour. Juliette says she wants to have a honeymoon. Tour it is. Football dummy's parents are mad about the tour, mad about the marriage, and mad that football dummy did not talk to his coaches! Is that a thing that's done? Do professional athletes confer with their coaches on private life decisions? That does not feel in any way appropriate. Oh and football dummy's hellbeast of a mother is insisting on a public church ceremony, the day before the tour.

Juliette, in an absolutely lovely green and black peplum top (fire Avery and give the costume person all that extra money), talks with mother-in-law about the ceremony and how she has actually yet to inform Junkie Mom of the nuptials. Mother-in-law talks a lot of bitch talk to her face, and really, when you think about it, isn't Juliette rich enough to hire someone to Gillooly that woman's knees? Just sayin'. Football dummy calls Junkie Mom's rehab and finds out that there are family days, I guess he's allowed to do that now, as the husband of the next of kin? I dunno, this feels like a HIPAA violation.

My beloved Junkie Mom looks all pretty and cleaned up, when she meets with Juliette. ("And the Emmy goes to…Junkie Mom!" - My heart) JM gives some good rehab advice about how it is probably not a hot idea to marry some random person. "I'm going to have a REAL family," Juliette retorts like a mature married woman. She goes home and snuggles up while football dummy watches football plays. "This is a football machine," he points out. "Can you believe it? All the football I need, right here on this little screen!" Her face is like, "I've made a huge mistake."

Weddin' day. Football dummy sends her his gramma's necklace, and Juliette is complimented by her best friends, Manager and Assistant. Football dummy is ready at the church, a place with fabulous avocado carpeting. But uh-oh! Juliette runaway-brides all the way to her jet.

Scarlett & Avery
Scarlett, an elf's Christmas wish made real by the laughter of a thousand children, is tryin' to write a sawng with Gunnar, but they can't, because they're bad at collaborative songwriting, which is their job. They are dummies, and they are terrible, and I wish that office would burn down, leaving behind two brittle corpses with unnecessary hair. She tells Gunnar that Avery is moving out, but in the meantime, Avery's busy at an Atlanta bar with Wyclef, trying to figure out which girl he wants to roofie. Wyclef reminds him that he needs to dump his friends and bandmates, which he does, as soon as he gets back to Nashville. The two non-speaking bandmates angrily mill about in the background, while the speaking part bandmate, J.T., tells him "Good luck in Atlanta, douche."

Let's hear it again.

"Good luck in Atlanta, douche."

The skies open and a Lion King-like ray of light shines down upon J.T., the character now currently tied for "Best" with Junkie Mom. J.T. spends his spare time visiting with his grandma and volunteering at the animal shelter. He always pays his bills on time, and once gave his umbrella to a homeless man in the middle of a downpour. J.T. respects women, is good with kids, and one day hopes to visit Rome. He called Avery a douche, to his face, and we should all thank him.

Avery stops off at the house to get his stuff, and Scarlett's, a woman with the willpower of overcooked linguine, hugs him after he requests a hug, because he wrote the handbook on manipulation. (He's very popular with 20-year-old loner boys on the Internet.) "Hey. Remember how I shit on your dreams and cheated on you? How about a hug?" They do it, because in Scarlett's infantile mind hugging must lead to babies. He tells her about firing the band, because he's the exact same person he was a day ago. She becomes as angry as a cartoon squirrel kicking a cartoon bird out of its little woodland hibernation hut, and stops out of the room clothed in nothing more than a shabby chic blankie, soooo ready to blog about this continued betrayal.

Bluebird. Hero J.T. comes in. Hahaha Scarlett is going to sing for his band now! Hahaha. She performs with them and the crowd is standing there, holding drinks, humoring her. They're all very polite, like a high school class visiting a nursing home. Someone filmed the performance, on a "Smart Phone," and sent it to Avery in Atlanta. Hahaha. "Have you considered donating some money to Haiti?" asks Wyclef, rubbing his hands together, with literal dollar signs boinging out of his eyes. Avery just sighs and puts on another necklace.

Gunnar and Scarlett reconcile by drawling at one another. They sang a sawng. The end.

Our friend Deacon is still out and about with middle-aged rock superstars Rebel Kings Revel Kings Black Crowes Laser Eyes Deacon and the Good-Time Country Jug Band, gearing up to perform at Bridgestone Arena. A lady music journalist runs up and smooches him right on the face, because they were old lovers and now she's reporting on his band and I guess wanted to get things started super-professionally. I mean that's just good journalism. A regular Nellie Bly, this one, a veritable Ida B. Wells. Just doing cool, great things for women in the field.

She continues to get all up-ons while they're jetting around in a jet. She all but shoves her recorder down his pants, but don't worry, she also has a notebook (though she fails to take any notes). There are, however, doodled hearts with "Deacon" written inside, which is actually how Ida Tarbell got started (fun fact!).

During a photo shoot at Olan Mills, Deacon's singer pal informs him "Hummela-booboobla-zeebala-boobala," which is turd-speak for "Rayna's going on tour." Deacon replies, "Whut?" They play a show, and Deacon "killed it." He took it behind the barn and shot it right through the goddamn eyes. "Want to go have sex?" the journalist basically asks. Very Christiane Amanpour. They do some post-coital blabbing about his "endearing qualities," and the fact that Deacon didn't point to his dick and say, "I'll show you an endearing quality," means that this show will never really be great television. She talks about the end of their relationship 14 years ago, which she regrets. I bet she also regrets late-'90s fashion, but the past is the past. Deacon accuses her of "being a reporter," which I frankly haven't seen any of, but I'm not the one she's currently naked against so what do I know? Then he throws away an issue of Guitar Player magazine with his own face on the cover. "I'm no guitar player. I'm a guitar betray-her."

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