by Laura Hutson
Here's a transcription of one of the creepiest, saddest, most hysterical stories in Garland's repertoire. I asked him to describe the story behind a series of three Polaroids of a woman dancing in a crotch-revealing short skirt, posing like Tawney Kitaen on the hood of a car, and in lingerie sitting on an unmade bed. If Garland's explanation of the shots sounds like a good time to you, stop by the opening party at Ovvio tomorrow night — Garland will most likely bring his camera/antics along with him.
That was on my birthday, and it was at 5 Spot on a Monday night dance party. Meat Market Monday is what I call it. I saw the tranny across the room — William Tyler was with me — and we were sitting there looking across the crowd, and there was a guy talking to her at the bar. And I was like, 'You know the only thing that would be better than making out with a tranny on your birthday? Cock-blocking a guy to make out with a tranny!' And William's like, 'You think he knows?' I was like, 'If he doesn't know, he deserves what he's about to get!'
So I went over there, and was like, 'Hey,' and within seconds she and I were making out. I mean literally within about 15-20 seconds. Then we made out for a while and I, like, open my eye like this and everyone in the bar is just staring. I was like, 'Alright, alright.' I got that weird stripper intoxication. She had these big, full lips, she smelled great. Killer legs, killer legs!
She said, 'You wanna go back to your place?' and I was like, 'Fuck yeah I do!' And I instantly stood up and grabbed her and arm in arm we just walked out. I was like, 'It's my birthday. It's my birthday and I got me a tranny!'
So I'm about a mile and a half from Five Points, and she says, 'I never do this, this is crazy,' and I was like, 'Yeah, well it's gonna get crazy, Kylie.' Her name's Kylie, she told me her name — I didn't tell her mine. She says, 'I just wanna get dirty, you wanna get dirty?' 'Oh, we're gonna get dirty, Kylie.' Boom. Passes out. She passes right out.
So I go home — she's passed out — I go inside, fix a drink, check my email, dick around, and I was like, 'Oh yeah, there's a tranny passed out in my car.' So I woke her up, shook her awake, opened the door and was like, 'Come on, Kylie, come on out.' She's like, 'What's going on?' I was like, 'Here!' and I threw her on the car [a pink Camaro with a fake firebird spray-painted on its hood — another great Garland story] and she's like, 'Oh, this is great! This is a Barbie car!' I took some pictures and was like, 'Yep, we're going upstairs.'
Then she jumped on my bed and just started whipping off her clothes really fast, and I was like, 'Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy!' And then she just stripped naked and passed right out again. And I just started cracking up and cracking up and cracking up.
She's totally naked. At the time I was living with another friend, Sadie. Sadie was at her boyfriend's,so I texted her, 'I'm crashing on your bed because there's a tranny in mine. Not kidding.'
Then around dawn, this lumbering tranny just comes in, I wake up, I'm just like, 'What the ... ' And she just collapses on me. I was just like, 'Oh hey hey, I'm awake. I guess I'll just go to my bed and pass out,' because by the time morning came it was just like, 'What happened?' you know? So I go to my bed to lay down, and the second I lay down I was like, 'Whoa! Tranny pissed my bed, tranny pissed my bed! OK!'
So I take off the bedding and start washing them and I pass out — I just laid back down on the floor. So I'm laying down on the floor close to the top of the stairs. Sadie comes home to get ready for work at like 7:30 in the morning. She's like, 'So there's a giant tranny on your bed?' She can't see either of our beds from where the vantage point was. I said,'Actually, there's a giant tranny on your bed.'
I go to work, I take Kylie — we've got a lot of missing pieces. But I take Kylie to work and she's like, 'Oh, last night was so crazy!' I was like, 'Yeah, it sure was, Kylie!' She was like, 'Oh my God, I'm late. I got to go to a photo shoot!' I was like, 'What's it a photo shoot for?' She says, 'Miss Tennessee.'
And by this time, she's got a full body five o'clock shadow, and didn't smell good anymore, didn't have the hot stripper smell. I take her to wherever she needed to go, and I went to work. Meanwhile my phone's blowing up the whole time with birthday messages and well wishes and stuff. It was the worst day of the shoot, it was fifteen hours.
I come home — I didn't even touch my phone because so many people were calling, I left it in my bag. So I'm checking my messages — I get off about 2 or 3 in the morning — and as I'm looking at texts there's a knock on the door. And I see my bedding on top of the dryer, and I was like, 'Well that's kind of weird, maybe Sadie's doing laundry,' and as this is all going down, 'Since it's not your birthday anymore, I'll have you know that the tranny pissed my bed too.' And her bedding was currently being washed.
I never saw Kylie again.