Golden Globes Drinking Game

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Heavy on “glamour” and light on taste, the Golden Globe Awards (this Sunday on NBC) is one of the best awards shows around, because none of the celebrities actually cares about the opinions of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association — but they do care about getting hammered! They are, indeed, just like us. But no need to let your social betters have all the televised fun: I’ve devised a category-by-category drinking game that should keep you as soused as Halle Berry has to be to make it through photo-ops with fawning Latvian journalists in the press tent out back.

Film
* Take a shot if "So beautiful and so so famous how can we get her to come to our show?" Angelina Jolie’s The Land of Blood and Honey wins Foreign Language Film
* Take a shot if you’re familiar with any of the nominees for Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
* Take a shot if a blonde wins for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Comedy or Musical
* Take a shot if they cut to anyone from The Help when Morgan Freeman receives his Cecil B. DeMille Award
* Take a shot if Ides of March wins for Best Screenplay, because Clooney is about to go off on a politics tangent and you will need it
* Take a shot if anyone other than Elton John/Bernie Taupin wins an award for Best Original Song
* For Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Drama, rank the nominees according to attractiveness. Take a shot if the hottest one wins (Gosling, obvs)
* Do the same for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Drama (Gosling, obvs)
* Go puke during the award for Best Original Score. If Trent Reznor is onstage when you come back, put on Pretty Hate Machine and cry over the fact that he also has an Academy Award and you have a drinking problem
* Take a shot if you saw Puss in Boots but don’t have any kids
* Take a shot if War Horse is intentionally pronounced War Whores
* Take a shot if Michel Hazanavicius or Alexander Payne (aka “Not Allen, Clooney, or Scorsese”) wins Best Director
* Nominee Christopher Plummer was in The Sound of Music — take a shot and think about that
* Take a shot every time you remember Owen Wilson tried to kill himself — geez, what a downer
* Take a shot if you thought My Week With Marilyn was a comedy or a musical

Television
* Throw the bottle at the screen if Zooey Deschanel wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical
* Take a shot and ask yourself how this shitshow has managed to keep nominating Kelsey Grammar for awards for like the past 20 years
* If Game of Thrones wins for Best Television Series — Drama, eat a horse heart and throw your enemy out of a window
* If Sofia Vergara wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television, take a shot and make a hacky joke about her breasts (i.e., “I know I’m watching the Golden Globes, but this is ridiculous!”)
* Take a shot if a Brit wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television (4/5 drinking success rate!)
* If Eric Stonestreet wins for Modern Family, take a shot and understand it was only because he’s a straight guy playing a gay guy and that is WACKY
* Look, Johnny Galecki is nominated for an award! Drink if you had a crush on David Healy, because Galecki seems like kind of a turd
* Drink heavily during Best Television Series - Comedy or Musical, because none of them are that funny
* Take a shot for every one of Kate Winslet’s salty, salty tears
* Take a shot on behalf of Claire Danes who, at 32-years-old, has aged out of movies and into television
* Take a shot if Too Big To Fail wins because of serious point-making

Celebrities
* Take a shot if Zooey Deschanel is wearing anything involving a giant bow or pony or owl or whatever
* Take a shot every time you’re disgusted by Claire Danes’ insufficient eyelashes
* Take a shot if drunk Jack Nicholson is there (he is always there)
* Take a shot every time you see Angelina Jolie bitchface
* Take a shot every time you waffle back and forth regarding Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s sexuality
* Paz de la Huerta
* Take a shot every time the audience titters over a “naughty” joke Gervais makes about a nominee
* Take a shot every time Gervais makes a joke about how rich and/or famous he is
* Pour a shot down the drain every time Gervais references last year’s hosting “controversy" — we don’t want you to get alcohol poisoning
* If Ricky Gervais makes a smug reference to his atheism, finish the bottle

Best of luck! And as always, drink responsibly!

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