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2012 You Are So Nashville If...

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You took your Imogene + Willies out into that big hailstorm just so you could "weather" them. —Troy Akers

You get writers' credits for being a puppet. —Pop Lobster

You still don't know where to park in the Gulch. —Stefanie Porolniczak

Your idea of pump-you-up workout music is The National's "High Violet." —Troy Akerr

You're all offended by the public's reticence to get behind your paywall in order to see fluff pieces. —Meredith Hunter

You're not sure why, but your state government has you really pissed off at your own uterus. —Meredith Hunter

You still think you can save WRVU. —Peter Dinkel

You've always wanted to move to East Nashville and according to The New York Times, you just did! —Mike Dorr

Bacon. —Lesley Lassiter

Oh, for fuck's sake, let us buy wine at grocery store already. —Andy Gasparini

You've driven up and down Porter Road a hundred times and still can't find a damn butcher shop. —Barry Murphree

You thought the new Bart Durham commercials were previews for the new Weekend at Bernie's movie. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You have a bumper sticker that is somehow both proud of and disparaging of your zip code. —Ryan Kamper

You'll wait in line to see The Black Keys at Springwater, but your own band is too "good" to play there. —Katie Austin

You silently apologized to Ann Patchett when you purchased a book on Amazon.com. —Clifton Kaiser

The sight of a paparazzo freaks you out way more than the sight of a celebrity. —Allison Norton

Nothing you write for this contest will be any funnier than everything Stacey Campfield actually said. —Zack Bennett

Jack White Jack White Jack White, Jack White Jack White; Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White. —Andrew Farwell

Your legislature wants to party like it's 1959. —Ken Lass

You pronounce Shelbyville with only two syllables. —Dennis Steele

You take to the comments of a blog post to defend your publication's fluff piece — because that always turns out well. —Meredith Hunter

You're glad you're not a Southern Baptist anymore. —Virginia McCoy

Your schools have snow days without having snow. —Ryan Hirsch

You put some old gas station signs in front of your barn as bait for the American Pickers guys. —Mike Bodayle

You've started buying blood diamonds because their sales methods aren't this ugly. —Meredith Hunter

Your jeans cost more than your car. —Lew Moore

You'll eat anything, edible or not, provided it is served with Benton's Bacon. —Sam Farkas

Life is better for chickens than it is for gays. —Clifton Kaiser

You are fined for mentioning last year's YASNIs winner to your classroom. —Catherine

You think a handful of protesters with tents are a threat to public safety, but a drunk legislator with a gun isn't. —Ilissa Gold

You used Occupy Nashville to try out your tent before Bonnaroo. —Mike Dorr

You get AIDS from monkeys, but don't evolve from them. —Patten Fuqua

You feel an odd mixture of pride and shame for being the national test market for bacon ice cream. —Mike Dorr

You'd like to fill Toby Keith's Red Solo Cup. —Bill Hench

You can't get your prescription filled at The Pharmacy unless it's for a Stroganoff Burger and Hard Cider. YUM!! —Nichole Curtiss

You, without hesitation, dry your hands and face on the community towel at Browns Diner hoping some residue of the talent of The Black Keys rubs off on you. —Anonymous

You have a plausible explanation for why Maury Davis is such a power-player that his "show" pre-empts the second half-hour of Face the Nation: You just can't remember what it is. —Stacy Harris

You think shooting someone on Tom T. Hall's property is worth spending a week in a country jail. —Stacy Harris


THE WEIRDIES:

Frankly, YASNI contestants, sometimes you scare us. Here's our annual sampling of as-is, warts-and-all entries that left us scratching our heads (or watching the doors):

You have religous tats. (tattoos)

You did or didn't give a cluck.

You live on the East Side and have your home broken into only to find your dearest of valuables (funky belt buckles, books about mummies, vinyl records, etc.) left behind by the thief.

Bud Adams' Missing Marbles

You love the NRA's new slogan: "Just go ahead and try to eat Ted Nugent's face, punk"

You remember how Nashville was perfectly cool before Jack White took over the city, but choose to block out that part of your brain with "artisan" hats.

Wear 'COWBOY BOOTS AND BIG DOLLY BOOBS AND RIDE A COWBOY

You own a miniature Batman Building statue. Move over Empire State Building! If you're looking - they're at the Walgreens on West End.

You remember when Nashville wasn't so obsessed with its image! Who cares about hipsters, food trucks, handmade soaps and chocolate. Give me country music and a beer. No a real beer!!

Jackson Ferrell breaks your windshield with a soccer ball like he did mine

You have ever said, "You're not going to tell anyone about this are you?"

You're still rocking that Kate Gosselin haircut from YASNI two or three years ago. Way to go you, Contemporary Christian Artist, you.

Nasa can smell your Patchouli oil from outer space.

Your jeans are skinnier than my sister's but sadly, .....You have a penis.

You are putting the Dark Side on notice: You can keep Natalie Maines and Chely Wright but you mess with Princess Carrie and we will go Chewbacca on your ass

Your a dude and have a hard time saying the name "I Dream of Weenie" to others even though you love their hot dogs, and the taste reminds you of college football.

You need the right to bring a gun to work for the next time the tech support guy calls you Triceratops.

You go to see the play Nevermore: An Evening With Edgar Allan Poe at the main library downtown on Jan. 19 & you get showed up by Jeffrey Combs, the actor playing Poe just because your cell phone goes off. & he says: "Your middle name, sir, is Shame." & the patrons in attendance applaude.

You're new album is all about your exes and you call the songs by their full names. LOLZ. ROFL.

You've put a watermelon under your shirt just to get the pregnant discount at Sweet CeCe's. And you're a straight up man.

Go fuck yourselves, you bunch of outdated, wannabe eurotrash hipsters.

PAST WINNERS:

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, "We really kicked y'all's ass in that Desert Storm." —Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as "the studio audience." —Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton

1997: You've checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson

1998: You're the only one who doesn't know you're gay. —Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass

2002: Towns you've never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. —Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald's instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth

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