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2012 You Are So Nashville If...


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You think Patrick Carney's foot has taken up permanent residence in his mouth. —Jen Berning

You finally sold your effing condo. —Josh O'Connor

You think the Muslims' 30-year plan to take over Rutherford County is right on schedule. —Ken Lass

You're from Detroit. —Dan Brawner

You got lucky at SlutWalk. —Michael Williams

You complain about all the traffic in 12South, but drive 100 yards from your home so you can valet park at Urban Grub. —Jay Yancey

Your paywall has a flaw. —Wando Weaver

You scream, "THEY'RE FROM NASHVILLE!" at every song on the radio when you're around people in another city. —Eric Taylor

You've been punched in the face by a relative of Pam Murray. —Michael Williams

You sit alone on the banks of Riverfront on Thursdays in the summer humming tunes to yourself and calling it Dancing in the District. —Eric Taylor

You love Hosie Nation. —Eric Taylor

You think that the Music City Star is a great idea, despite having never actually used it. —Andy Gasparini

Your band practices in a self-storage locker on Charlotte Pike. —Phil Loughrey

You've mistakenly answered your capo. —Heather Helton

Your wood is so exotic you're not allowed to make guitars with it. —Dave Lundquist

Your tenure is jeopardized by your "Hugs Not Drugs" bumper sticker. —Nathan Hunter

You and 11 of your friends got a DUI while driving the Nashville Pedal Bar. —Dave Weil

You are afraid of your "muslim sheets." —Dave Weil

People have to have a laminated pass to enter your house. —Dave Weil

You check out the Block and Amax agencies websites to decide who you should date next. —Chris Sevier

You know that Taylor Swift does not write her own songs, Caitlin's mom does. —Chris Sevier

You wonder where the TN GOP bought their flux capacitor. —Holly Matthews

You lined up to get into Nordstrom's first and then complained about the big city prices. —Emily

Your property tax got increased 13 percent and all you got was this lousy library. —Emily

You know the other musical Jack White's real name is Horst Nussbaum. —Mark Spencer

You think the new Music City Center is the baseball park downtown people keep talking about. —Curtis Stoneberger

Mike and Frank "popped" on an item in one of your outbuildings. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You got stabbed during "Statesboro Blues" at the Gregg Allman show. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You think illegal foreign workers are destroying this country, but illegal foreign wood is a God-given right. —Robert Means

The seafood department at your local grocery store put a warning label on the raw oysters because eating uncooked seafood can be unsafe and a gateway sexual activity. —George Oeser

You come to the shocking realization that the only thing that can halt road construction in Nashville is the "Brothers of the Sun Tour"! Really!??! —Celeste Bearden

After 12 years, you finally noticed that Fort Negley is RIGHT OVER THERE! —Ryan Kamper

You hope the Sounds move so it will be much easier to still not see them. —Sean Alexander

You were so worn out from saving everything else that you didn't care about Tower Records being torn down. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You maxed out your free access to the Tennessean on Highball galleries, but at least you can read local news in the NYT, GQ, Esquire, the Guardian, etc. —Sean Alexander

You say, "Do what now?" —April

You are sick of Ben Cunningham — who does not live in Davidson County — comments on Davidson County tax issues. —Cris Cannon

Your county clerk charges gratuity on parties of two. —Trent Hanner

John Arriola stole 40 bucks from you, four times. —Bill Hench

You wonder when they are going to pave 440. —Rob Duke

The word "Fireball" popped up during your DUI trial. —Peter Dinkel

Your state legislature wants to turn the clock back to the days when dinosaurs and people still lived together, some 6,000 years ago. —Dan McNamara

Scouring the Craigslist ads for toe suckers is a favorite pastime. —Michelle V

You ate that poached quail egg thing at The Catbird Seat and said you liked it. —Ann Shayne

You shoot the shit at your kid's travel lacrosse tournament with the songwriter dad who has written two operas. —Ann Shayne

You've ever referred to an appendage as "Old Hickory." —Tim Hibbs

The characters in your church's Nativity scene look exactly like Fleetwood Mac. —Matt North

You're engaged to Reese Witherspoon's dad. —Matt North

You don't know the correct definition of "gratuity." —Meredith Hunter

You've never been to Elliston Place Soda Shop but were REALLY PISSED at their landlord for four days. —Meredith Hunter

You complained about the bumpkins at CMA while you camped with the hippies at Bonnaroo. —Henry Pile

You were confused as to why Alexander Radulov was able to come back to Nashville after that lady in Shelbyville returned him to the adoption agency. —Patten Fuqua

You've considered opening a weekend-only ferry system to help fellow East Siders make it across the river, Oregon Trail style. —Andrew

After buying your song catalog back from your publisher at his request, you find out the catalog is owned by a bank. —Laura Powers

You constantly know if traffic is backed up on the Schuylkill Expressway because you have never unfollowed Christine Maddela on Twitter. —William

You introduce yourself by mentioning a church you never attend. —Deanna Raih

You thought freedom of the press had to do with one of those fancy coffee makers. —Meredith Hunter

You think John Arriola is one corrupt nipple. —Roy Moore

You carry an extra crate in the car for all of the stray dogs you find on runs in East Nashville. —Deanna Larson

Your city built an award-winning main library more than a decade ago, but you're scared of downtown, so you've never seen it. —Deanna Larson

You didn't think it would be such a big deal to park your plane there for a day or two. —Meredith Hunter

You work in Cool Springs, so you cheat at CMA Bingo. —Meredith Hunter

You love your neighborhood, but if they would only get rid of that sketchy gas station ... —Barry Murphree

You hope we have a huge blizzard this winter so Davis Nolan can feel important. —Lonnie Flemmer

No se. —Ryan Barry

WHO THE HELL IS HUNTER HAYES!?!??!??!?!? —Troy Akers

Your busiest night as a Franklin cop was keeping rabid Justin Bieber fans at bay the night he shot his video. —Troy Akers

You're really hoping Tim McGraw's first single on his newly joined label Big Machine is called "Taylor Swift." —Troy Akers

You felt embarrassed walking out of Parnassus Books with Fifty Shades of Grey. —Mike Dorr

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