Post-show! The label just loves the duet Rayna and Juliette performed, and want to release it as a live single. Because she’s such a team player, she’s going to get her album released. Hooray! But those hoorays are cut short, because Husband Teddy is like, “Put that victory champagne down so I can take you home and confess some secrets.” He tells Rayna all about the pictures of him and Peggy, two fully clothed adults engaging in zero sex acts. He again tells the truth about not having an affair, but Rayna asks, “Then what were you doing in a public park with Peggy Samper?” Rayna, girl: Heterosexual liaisons amongst the non-homeless do not happen in public parks. Let it go.
Rayna confronts Coleman about the pixxx. He gives her the pixxx. She is mad. Her sister Tristram Shandy attempts to console her with consoling words re: Teddy’s husbandry and fecundity. Meanwhile, poor ‘ol blubbering mess of a human Peggy shows up at Teddy’s campaign HQ, seemingly located in famed North Nashville depress-pit MetroCenter. She is blown off and ushered away. She presumably consoles herself with carbs and mediocre BBQ at Neely’s.
Later, down at Lamar’s place (classier digs than Depp’s new Nashville digs, ALLEGEDLY), there is a Family Meeting going on that Rayna is none too pleased to be left out of. “Won’t somebody please think of the children?” But it’s too late. The salacious pictures are now on blogs.
Rayna goes to Peggy’s house to confront her, I guess, but is greeted instead by COPS and PARAMEDICS. Why? Because she took pillz and OD’d, according to Exposition Neighbor. Sad Rayna goes home to wallow in her open-concept floor plan about life being a bummer. DH comes home, she asks about affair again. Whoops, he spills the beans on the “Cumberland Deal.” He’s not a cheater, just a thief and liar. She can no longer trust him, because of his crimez.
Sticking with the “confrontation” theme, Rayna stakes out her sister Pecan Sandy and is soooo mad about her family being a bunch of lying thieves who keep deep dark secrets from the breadwinner. Rayna is, at least, reconciled with Deacon, though they did meet in a public park, so who knows what’s going on there. Teddy throws a press conference to blame the press (based on the mics, all the news channels are there, like “10” and “3”) for Peggy’s suicide attempt. Rayna appears after her park rendezvous and, like, takes over? Is that legal? He is a good father and husband, she says. He is not a cheater. It is the opposite of the press conference on the new Reba show.
Oh, and the label wants her to co-headline a tour with Juliette, the end.
Juliette, milling about her home filled with congratulatory flowers, rejects a call named “MOM’S REHAB,” and it’s the best moment in the entire episode. Football Virgin knocks at the door, and wows her with a copy of The Tennessean’s front-page above-the-fold review of her duet with Rayna. She tries to sex him, because she’s an adult, but he’s all “that’s just how my parents raised me,” because he is a child. But she can meet them if she wants to go hang at church tomorrow. Fun?
Late for church, Juliette parks right in front of the building like there’s valet service. (Do megachurches have valet? Anyway, this was a normal church.) She meets the Virgin’s sister and his parents, and is snookered into singing with the choir thanks to his superfan little sister. She does a gospel number, and the choir members slowly filter behind her, symmetrically. Normal church stuff. Football Virgin looks at her dumbly with his big eyes full of nothing.
She is invited to dinner, and oh, what a happy family montage. There are hugs, and there is grace, and she gives a gift to his little sister. No one in this family has a contact called “MOM’S REHAB.” But, alas, Juliette is not the literate type, and is therefore unfamiliar with Philip Larkin or the very first sentence of Anna Karenina. What I’m saying is, Football Virgin’s mom stone-cold FACES her after supper: “We’ve worked hard to build Sean’s brand.” She knows all about her gross junkie mom, and tells Juliette not to hold her breath about spending too much quality time with the family. What a biiiiitch.
Speaking of terrible things, turns out Juliette’s first kiss was her being molested (this show is by no means capable of tackling that so hopefully let’s just leave it there, forever) by one of Junkie Mom’s boyfriends. So she’s not so quick to want to reconcile, no matter how many letters of contrition Deacon drops off from his fun rehab visits with Junkie Mom. She may be the only family Juliette has, but she also had to eat a bunch of raw pancake mix as a kid thanks to the money being frittered away on drugs. I really think she’d enjoy the Larkin poem.
Oh, and she puts on her bluest eyeshadow and proposes marriage to Football Virgin, take that you rude bitch. Celebrity revenge marriages are the best!
Deacon is chilling with some of his bros, just hanging around a guitar pool and talking about their gross hair. They are rockers (you can tell thanks to all the black) and reminisce about their old rockin’ days. Their band The Rebel Kings (which I originally thought was Revel Kings, worse/better?) want him to go out on the road with them, ‘cause they’re all in AA now. Explains the Cheerwine. They are just throwing around sobriety chips and acting like the soberest bros ever. He agrees to tour with them, even though there’s no alcohol or drugs present to explain their gross clothing choices and personalities. “Sex, no drugs, and rock and roll!” 'K, Deacon, thanks for playing. Have fun in Omaha.
Scarlett, a glass unicorn with a broken horn, is needlessly rebutting compliments faster than Taylor Swift at an awards ceremony. Hailey, no dummy, is trying to convince her to try out for a band. “I’m not a performer,” Scarlett says, as she twists her foot in the dirt and looks up under her eyebrows while biting her fingertip. “Tee-hee.” She shares Hailey’s genius plan to rid her life of Scarlett’s presence to Gunnar in the middle of a hot songwriting sesh. The fifth word of their song is “confetti.” That is not something I made up.
Avery is performing his danky outhouse rock for Wyclef Jean. “We rocked Black Sabbath at a 7th grade assembly,” Avery says of his band of BFFs. That was when, 2002? Very brave. Wyclef wants to go “to ATL” via private jet to “dirty up the vocals.” You can get cocaine here, bro. Avery shows up at Unkie Deacon’s place to find Scarlett, a child’s discarded candy cane covered in ants, playing banjo (of course) with a flower pattern on it (of course) on the front porch (of course). He drops off some “record deal champagne” that should have been hers, and gives her the news that he’s going all the way from Nashville to Atlanta. He’s got an IKEA trip penciled in and everything.
Guess who’s mad? Gunnar’s mad at his girlfriend, a woman supposedly in the music industry, for encouraging a songwriter to perhaps perform songs. He’s like, “You are trying to separate us!” and basically says “U JELLY” and Hailey, the only quasi-reasonable human being this show has gifted us, dumps him. Fine. He mopes over to The Bluebird, where he finds Scarlett thinking about chairs. She says she sent the band a demo but they’ll probably hate her because she sucks so much, right? “Haha it’s like can you believe how fat I am I had like two cups of Special K this morning and gaaah my hair is so gross I think this new shampoo is making it do funny stuff, gosh I’m just the worst, right? Tell me how terrible I am.” He tells her she has “more talent than anyone he knows,” because think about it, even a prison has a most attractive inmate. Then he kisses her. Big whoop.
What’s happening on the jet? Only Wyclef Jean telling Avery to dump his band. Who needs ‘em? Move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling for freedom. Avery suddenly grows human boy feelings about relationships and is reluctant to drop his bros. Doesn’t Wyclef know they are his bros? But Manager Sex Lady tells him not to blow it, not unless he wants to rent a car and drive back to Nashville. A reasonably priced rental sedan is not going to hold those EXPEDIT shelves.
Gunnar sings the confetti song at The Bluebird minus Scarlett. He later tells her he does not regret kissing her. “I am so confused,” Scarlett said after she pulled the string on the back of her neck. She can’t write right now. She is a mess. She is one “paper or plastic?” away from belonging in an institution. But hey, good news! They have received an offer to put a song on hold (that’s industry slang for a song used in call waiting services.*)! Oh bummer, Hailey is still the assistant and is relegated to doing assistant shit like serving champagne to her ex-boyfriend and the spineless 7-year-old he’s in love with. Get a new job, kid.
*No it’s not.
Peggy is Brad Paisley’s wife IRL!